it's dangerous business walking out your front door.

2012-01-29T12:02:00.002+08:00

finally, an off day.

I've been busy with work so that should explain the lack of updates. god, I can already hear Shiqin nagging at me for not updating EVERYDAY LIKE A NEWSPAPER. haha. It's not that I don't want to update regularly. It's just that by the time I get home from work, I'm too tired to do almost anything and this is why I'm thankful that I've people like the bf and my mum, who tirelessly send and fetch me to and from work everyday. In the 3 weeks that I've worked, I only remember going back home on my own twice.

Work at the Centre has been the source of my daily headaches. do you know I get headaches easily? I get headaches when I walk too fast, run, yell and a lot more. I'm that pathetic, yes. and what exactly do I do at work? it's 80% yelling, 20% teaching. cue the applause. there's only one kid that I've never yelled at before, and it's because she doesn't deserve to be yelled at. she's practically the only obedient one and it helps a lot that she's mature for her age. she's in Primary 3.

My working hours are now 1130 - 1900 at the Centre and 1900 - 2100 at the gym. Was supposed to start working at the gym on Thursday, but I skipped work that day because. Only got 1 day MC (obviously. not like as if I was genuinely sick) and the Pinoy doc was a tad bitchy. what is it with doctors at the polyclinics? you go to them for A and they insist on B.

Remember my experience with the Indian doc? I can't remember if I blogged about it, think I did. I went to her for my left knee and she insisted my right knee was worst. woman, I'm the one bearing the pain, not you. surely I'd know which knee needs more attention? As for the pinoy doc, I lied that I had backache and she made me stretch my body forward, after which she told me that my backbone is crooked. then she asked me, "nobody told you before?" obviously this woman thinks everyone has x-ray vision and that everyone is weird enough to approach a stranger and tell her, "hi hello. your backbone is crooked. that is all." and then nonchalantly walk away. woman, please. I came to you for a backache, not for a backbone assessment. and to top it off, she said that if I was keen enough, I could go for an x-ray. why would I wanna do that? she already told me my backbone's crooked, so why exactly would I still need to get an x-ray when I already know the result? kinda stupid, don't you think? polyclinic doctors, wake up your idea.

so anyway, had to go back to work the next day. the usual shit at the Centre and then crossed over to the gym at 7pm where I was trained on some admin stuff and also on my fitness. Urgh. Just because I'm skinny doesn't mean I'm healthy okay. I was panting after 3 minutes on the cardio machine and the back of my left leg is still aching. not that I'm complaining, but just saying. I don't know for how long I've to do this.

On a lighter note, like I said on Twitter, the bf has been very nice to me. Besides sending and fetching me to and from work, he also insists on fetching me from Bff's place whenever I'm there. He helps to carry my bag even though I insist on carrying it myself. He helped to do my laundry the other day too. I know you're reading this, so thank you.

oh, my mum's coming back tonight. she asked for the bf to fetch her so we'll be fetching her later on. thank god she's coming back. I need food to bring to work, mother :D

guess you'll have to wait another week for an update. heh.

2012-01-23T17:40:00.000+08:00

Still at Bff's house. Bf's back. Watched Jack and Jill last night.

and that's pretty much it. yeah obviously I'm not in the best of moods but no point talking about it. It's all about shrugging it off from now on. that's how it works now.

2012-01-21T09:53:00.002+08:00

so the bf left for KL last night and my mum departed for Medan. I saw no reason to be at home so I'll be staying at the Bff's for a few days.

it has been less than 12 hours since the bf left but I'm missing that retard already. he'll be back tmr albeit in the wee hours of the morning. but hey, at least he's back. mother's coming back only next Sunday. freaking hell. 9 days! now I just have to be prepared for the complaints from my father.

the only reason why I'm up this early is because I've a stomachache. I'll be going back to sleep after this. I've work later at Steakhouse. I can't afford to not work, literally. but the way I see it, Steakhouse is paying me $7/hr to socialise with my colleagues so it isn't that bad when you have good company.

I don't have work on Monday and Tuesday! weeeee!! a break from the horrible kids! I'm gonna enjoy my long weekend!

happy holidays, everyone!

2012-01-18T22:09:00.004+08:00

it has been a tiring few days. I know every job is tiring but I miss doing the things I used to do. Now everytime I reach home, all I can think about is sleep. and I do just that. two days. just two more days before the switch. hopefully things will look up.

had awesome dinner at Bff's the day before. irritated Danish but the boy's a genuine matrep in the making so in the end, I was the one who ended up the victim. The bf fetched me after that and went straight home where I fell asleep almost instantaneously.

Woke up and the bf said he'd sent me, which was very sweet of him because one, it's out of the way and two, I'm sure he needed the sleep.

actually, work wasn't so bad today. yeah, I had a fucking hippo slam the door at me and a gangster wanting to hit me with his text book but overall, it was alright. I punched the door after Hippo slammed the door while I was standing in between the two rooms. I was pissed because I WAS STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE AND HE SLAMMED THE DOOR AND HELLO? IT HURT. Principal wasn't in today so I punched the door pretty damn hard. My fist hurt for like half a second. Hippo then unlocked the door and I Super Saiyan-ed him to sit on the fucking chair and not on the floor and took his assessment book and threw it on his table and yelled at him to do it.

It amazes me how I can stop the word 'fucking' from coming out of my mouth. sometimes I wanna shout 'sit the fuck down' or 'shut the fucking fuck up' or 'can you do your fucking work and stop talking?!' but I guess I've more self-control than I initially thought I had.

Hippo sulked in a corner after the yelling and he shut up for real. He packed up after a while and went home. good riddance. couldn't he have done that earlier? and I pretty much ignored Gangster, except the one time when he took out his poster colours and started squeezing the tubes into the dustbin. fucking hell. I think I might have been a tad too rough on him, but hey, since he wants to be a gangster, he should be able to handle it. to tell the truth, I grabbed his hand and kinda twisted it so that he'd let go of the fucking tubes. I then managed to shut him up for about half an hour by giving him a word search paper. that, was a rare moment of peace shown by him. in fact, RARE IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. but since he didn't create any trouble after that, I talked nicely to him.

I played Hangman with the rest of the class since they completed all their work. mother fetched me after school and we went to Yew Tee Point to get some stuff for my father and went for a last minute massage session. woohoo. but honestly though, I don't feel the difference. I think I need a body massage more than a feet massage.

so yeah. that was my day, with some parts excluded because I'm too lazy/tired and I've a headache.

because this is, what else... AWEfuckingSOME.

2012-01-13T21:44:00.001+08:00

I'VE NEVER EVER SAID THIS BEFORE IN THE 19 YEARS THAT I'VE LIVED BUT HELL, THANK FUCKING GOD IT'S FRIDAY!

I guess the highlight at work for today is getting the middle finger from an 11 year old boy, who by the fucking way, is still doing Primary 4 Mathematics AND Chinese.

This time, it's different from when I got the middle finger yesterday (or was it two days before?). The first middle finger happened when I asked the boy to put his finger to his lips because he refused to stfu. Instead of his forefinger, he used his middle finger. This time though,the fucking retard of a boy kept disturbing other people who were doing their work.

What I mean by 'disturbing'?
1) throwing erasers against the wall that ricocheted at other people's head.
2) using his textbook as a bat and erasers as ball and proceeding to play fucking baseball in a room full of other students.
3) kept talking to the other students, hence distracting them.
4) taught a younger student how to play textbook-eraser baseball.

earlier on, we gave him a Math assessment book to do. (I never thought I'd ever have to go near another assessment book again but well..) He finished it but you've no idea how much energy it took to make him sit the fuck down and focus. I marked his work and then asked him to do corrections. He refused. After much persuading which slowly turned into yelling, I gave up. I told him I'd do the corrections with him. I did manage to get him to sit down but it was the 'focusing' part that was hard.

me: LOOK HERE. I'M GOING TO DO THE WORKING FOR YOU SO AT LEAST TRY TO UNDERSTAND. now tell me, what's 10 x 5?
him: *turns to a girl* what's 10 x 5?
me: I ASK YOU TO ASK HER MEH? ALL I ASKED YOU TO DO IS LOOK! WHAT'S 10 X 5?!
him: 10.......... x................. 5........ HELLO KITTY!
me: YOU LISTEN HERE. WHAT KIND OF RETARDED SCHOOL YOU GO TO THAT THEY TEACH YOU 10 X 5 EQUALS HELLO KITTY?
him: YAH, RETARDED.
me: LOOK OVER HERE.
him: I got no eyes.
me: then what's that pair of balls on your face?!
him: WAH LAO WEI!!!

then he listened for half a second and went back to being a fucking monkey. so I gave up. I threw his book on some random table and left it there and went to teach a girl. While I was teaching her, he crept up behind me and gave me a middle finger. how did I know? the girl snitched on him. I think I must have looked scary or something because when I stood up and told him to go outside with me, he immediately complied. I told the principal and well, I actually don't know what happened. I think she called his mum up (in my personal opinion though, ... why waste saliva? not like they reprimand him or something) and he was then banished from the room. GOOD. if only he showed me the middle finger everyday. things would be so much easier.

The frustrating thing is that this boy, he's not stupid. trust me. he's a hooligan through and through but he.is.not.stupid. What's preventing him from reaching his fullest potential is EVERYTHING. this fucking retard gets distracted by anything and everything. and of course, there's his laziness too. think I'm gonna ignore him from now on. go grow up and sell pirated DVDs or something, okay? thanks.

but negativity aside, there's a few things I love about this job.

1) some of the kids.
2) weekends off/two off days per week
3) the fact that I can leave the house at 9.15am and still reach a little before 10am.
4) I GET TO SEE FIGHTER PLANES/APACHES/HELICOPTERS UP CLOSE FLYING ABOVE.
5) the walks I take when sending and fetching them.
6) lunch is provided AND we don't get our hours cut because of lunch.

it's not that bad right? but I don't think I could do this as a living though. I don't have the patience. the progress at the gym isn't looking good so I doubt I'll be able to work there next week. but to be fair, she did say after CNY. so yeah.

mother fetched me after work and we had chicken rice at the coffeeshop downstairs. and the chicken rice is making me shit. I feel a second wave coming.

yep, it is.

2012-01-12T22:56:00.000+08:00

third day of work.

1) 40 minutes into work and I got a "teacher, can you tell better lies?" fro a 7 year old.
2) got a middle finger from the resident rascal. (I later made him face the wall. ha ha ha)
3) waited 50 mins for a school bus that drops a group off.
4) was stumped by primary school Mathematics. (thank the gods for answer sheets)

this morning, I woke up and thought I was having a dream or had somehow stumbled into the twilight zone.

1) my mum, who's supposed to be working, wasn't.
she came into my room and asked me what time I was working.

2)seconds later (or it could have been minutes or hours. I was sleeping so it felt like seconds), the boyfriend walked into the room.
I thought it was my mum so I quickly got up (I don't know why) only to see the boyfriend (don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining here. I am in fact, rejoicing.) I asked him what he was doing here and he said, "send you to work." A few seconds later, I asked him the same question again, just to make sure that my subconscious mind hadn't concocted a dream instead. I think I might have asked him another time.

and so, he sent me to work. if you're reading this Sukri (that's how my mum spells and pronounces his name), please know that I appreciate the gesture; you coming over early in the morning and sending me to work. seeing you the moment I opened my eyes was ... nice :D

and then after work, I headed straight to Bukit Gombak for dinner with the usual suspects. you wouldn't care about this bit of information but I forgot to bring my ez-link card. so I had to buy one. Jurong East MRT station has so many platforms now that I don't know anything anymore. everything used to be so routined until they had to add more platforms. bloody hell.

OH I FORGOT TO SAY THAT MY LUNCHBOX TODAY WAS AWESOMEZXCVBNMNBVCXZ!! I felt bad for not eating my mum's cooking the night before so I told her to pack for me so I could eat at work. she cooked ayam lemak cili padi and kung pow prawns! tomorrow she's packing for me friend rice with char siew chicken! I feel like I'm in primary school all over again. so excited!

but I do wish I had a cooler looking lunchbox though. isn't there a One Piece lunchbox or something? heh.

oh so anyway, had Mee Siam at Alif with lots of sambal. FINISHED IT HOR. and then I was still hungry so I ordered a piece of egg prata with sambal. didn't finish that one though. but hey, 3/4's good enough.

I don't know how to describe how I feel towards this job. the moment I step into the centre, I've to transform into some Tarzan woman who yells at everything but then a kid whom I thought hates me (because I always scold him) comes up to me and hugs me and it makes my anger dissipates. They make me run after them but then they make this pitiful face when I scold them and I feel bad. BUT THEY'RE SO NAUGHTY. HOW?! as horrible as they may be, something about them keeps me looking forward to the next day. and the Primary 1 and 2 kids, they're smart for children their age. It's just that they get distracted A LOT. sigh.

k, that's all for now.

2012-01-10T21:37:00.001+08:00

so... wanna know how my first day of work went?

I started work at 10am just now. Was introduced to the kids and now I am officially TEACHER FAEZAH. I had the option of choosing between teaching them Maths or English. Obviously I chose English because I am hopelessly hopeless with numbers.

From 10am to 7pm, I've decided who are the nice kids and who are the notorious ones. the morning kids are quite obedient and I like a few of them. It's the afternoon kids that are a handful. but, they're still manageable (i think).

There was this Primary 1 girl. Her mum's Chinese and her dad's Malay. She asked me for a piece of paper. Then she asked me how to spell 'Valentine'. She wrote 'Happy Vaentine' on the paper that she had made into a card. I corrected her, saying that there's an apostrophe s in Valentine.. so it becomes Happy Valentine's Day. But she said she intended it to be 'Happy Valentine' so she could add 'Mum&Dad' after those words. Well, it's her card and I thought it was kinda sweet so I didn't make her change it.

This girl later on lost a tooth. I told her, "put it under your pillow. the tooth fairy will come and leave a dollar." well guess what. she looked me straight in the eye and said, "it's a bluff. you don't know?"

I was rendered speechless for a good few seconds. I was thinking, if I say I don't know, I'd look stupid. But if I say I do, wouldn't she ask me why I said that if I knew it wasn't true? so there was nothing left for me to do but LAUGH. in the words of the bf, this kind just 'owned' me. but that's okay. I still like her.

so yeah. I'd blog more thoroughly but I think I'm tired. and lazy. can't wait for the gym to open! first, who would have thought I'd be a TEACHER. second, who also would have thought I'd be a fitness trainer? HAHAHAHA.

I miss this song

2012-01-08T23:29:00.004+08:00

Haven't been blogging. I don't know why. I've been busy sleeping half the day away, and watching movies on Funshion the other half of the day. Oh, and also, I've been sleeping over at the Bff's house.

Went Sentosa just now with Monica, Bff and Zaimah with the intention of baking ourselves but the sun must have been lazy because it didn't come out. Not only did it not come out, it started raining. Almost froze to near death. At 2pm, we decided to pack up because the sun wasn't showing any signs of showing up so we headed to Bff's place. Plans of playing bowling were made at the nearby Superbowl but because Zaimah bitch decided to ditch us, that plan was automatically cancelled. and that is why I call this day the Sunday Fail.

after Zaimah bitch and Monica left, Bff and I napped. I swear before that, my eyes were stinging. You know those kind of stinging that tells you you need to sleep? Yeah. Think I napped for 2 hours plus in the room only to be awoken by someone trying to plant tissue boxes on me. No prizes for guessing who it was -___-

Ate a bit after that and headed home, where I am now. Changed the bedsheet, took in my ironed clothes and I'm gonna update the organiser after this.

Oh, last night, we went on an impromptu triple date. Bff & Shah, Bff's bro-in-law & gf and me & bf. We watched The Darkest Hour. I think I know why they named it such - because having to watch that shit of a movie was the darkest hour(s) of our lives. I see what you did there, director. but guess what? eat shit. thanks. t(-_-t)

had supper at Al-Ameen at Woodlands after the movie. I don't know why it's so crowded there while it's a different picture at their Bukit Timah outlet. Hm.

I hope everything goes well tomorrow. pray for me, people.

because this is awesome.

2011-12-30T22:24:00.000+08:00

oh, another thing to look forward to in 2012: writing in my 2012 organiser! haha.

the bf doesn't understand why I need one. tsk. hello? I need to jot down appointments and stuff.. you know... pretend I'm important or something. haha.

okay, that is all.

2011-12-30T13:13:00.003+08:00

Hi. I am awake and I have showered and it's only noon. This is all the interviewer's fault. SHE MIXED UP THE DATES.

The woman called me yesterday morning asking when I was available for an interview. I told her I'd be free the day after (which is today) so she set it at 1.30pm. I forgot to ask her yesterday if I was required to bring anything along. The bf suggested that I give them a call, so I did after showering just now.

When the same woman answered my call, I identified myself and asked them if they wanted me to bring anything, like chicken rice or something (okay kidding). It was then that the woman told me that the interview was yesterday!!! the fuck? I argued once and said, "no. it's today." and she said, "no. see, I've marked here, 29th." so okay, since she insisted, I thought I was the dumbfuck that mixed up the dates. But thank god, she said I could still come for an interview at 8pm today.

But in conclusion - woman, you're an idiot. I don't even know why I typed this in the form of a report. haha. retarded. but hey, better retarded than idiot.

I'll be going to Yew Tee later to get a net for badminton. According to the bf, it's so that I 'can't cheat'. I totally do not cheat o k a y .

wish me luck for the interview later!

story of my life.

2011-12-29T01:39:00.003+08:00

Things to look forward to in 2012:

1) career
2) financial stability
3) uncle's release from prison in June.

it's not much. but it's something, at least.

just something random to end the post.

2011-12-27T12:46:00.000+08:00

this is the earliest I've woken up since god knows when. I think I'm a tad grumpy but frankly, I've no idea why. Hm.

As I said on Twitter, last night was a night of many failures. The boyfriend and I met at night to play badminton. It was kinda windy, so the bf suggested that we play at the multi-purpose hall, so we did.

Less than 5 minutes into it, I hit the one and only shuttlecock I had into a gap somewhere in the roof. so, haha to that. I was too excited to give up playing so we went to shops to look for shuttlecocks. We ended up in Yew Tee itself. I went to the shop that sells household items and asked if they sold shuttlecocks and the guy referred me to a stationery shop. and what do you know? they actually sold shuttlecocks! to be honest, I didn't think they sold shuttlecocks anymore. so yeah, I bought them shuttlecocks and met up with the bf who was at the bakery buying waffles -____-

then I felt thirsty after all the running around looking for shuttlecocks, so I told the bf I was gonna go to the shop upstairs to buy drinks, which I did. After that, we made our way back to the multi-purpose hall.

halfway through, I asked the bf, "is the shuttlecock with you?" because I realised that I wasn't holding on to it anymore. He checked his stuff and said it wasn't with him either. guess where I left it? in the shop that I bought our drinks from -_____-

so I had to make a u-turn and dashed to the shop. I found it lying innocently in front of the fridge that I took the drinks from. haha. thank god no one took it. After all that happened, we only started playing at 9 plus I think. HAHA.

and the gap ate 2 of my shuttlecocks. cb. I want them back, you stupid gap.

so yeah, that's the story of my night of many failures. that's all. haha.

2011-12-25T16:14:00.001+08:00

guess where the boyfriend and I went yesterday? let's pretend you don't know... WE WENT TO UNDERWATER WORLD AND NIGHT SAFARI!

k, I can't explain the caps lock. haha. I guess it stems from the fact that it was my first time at Underwater World. so yeah.. excited lor.

I don't know if it's just me but ... it was kinda boring. oh, and it didn't help that the place was swarmed with foreigners. and may I just say, for the first time ever, the fishes there smelled better than the crowd. tone down on the coconut oil, people! and invest in deodorants! geeeeeeeez.

so anyway, pictures.

they are actually alive lor.

according to the bf, this fish is old. hence, the hunchback.

these jellyfishes are the absolute cutest!!!!

Nigger Nemo in the hood.

yeah, don't be fooled like we were. they're transparent but are illuminated by the multi-coloured lightings. cheaters.

Night Safari was another experience altogether. but like Underwater World, it was swarmed too with both locals and foreigners. it was really really packed. We didn't get to watch the Creatures of the Night show because it was full for all the time slots. way to go. and there was a one hour waiting time for the tram ride. woofuckinghoo.

but you know what's worse than the waiting time though? being stuck to a PRC couple who wouldn't stop yapping. and also, the woman tried to jump queue so I tripped her. HEHEHEHE. she was asking for it lah k. she was rushing for dono what fuck also and what's the fucking point? her partner was behind anyway! stewpid.

oh but wait, you know what's worse than being stuck in the queue with them? it's BEING STUCK ON THE TRAM RIDE WITH THEM. give me a fucking break! and the woman stepped on my Birks too! fucking hell. while on the tram ride, they kept taking photos with their flash on despite numerous reminders from the guide that flash photography wasn't allowed.

actually, her partner was alright. he did make the mistake of taking one photo with the flash on but stopped after that. the woman, on the other hand, took control of the camera and started snapping away like nobody's business. and they got into an argument (a loud one at that) when her partner told her not to use flash. I had to 'SSHHHHHHH!' them because they were creating quite a ruckus in the midst of the darkness and serenity.

they finally shut up after a while, but hell. what do you know right? a fat know-it-all boy and his father were seated behind us. after the PRC couple shut up, he started spouting facts here and there.

"I can see why they're called (something something). (something something) is a sword."

take that statement and multiply it by twenty with different variations, and you've got the boy. okay I admit, he's smart. but you know, he should learn to keep his mouth shut and absorb information IN SILENCE. the silver lining was that I learned more from him that I did from the guide. HAHA. stupid fat chingko boy.

so that was all we did at Night Safari - just a tram ride. well at least it wasn't a ten minute tram ride. so it was worth the wait.

after that, we headed to Old Woodlands to have supper with Abu. the food was shitty. I still think the coffeeshop behind serves better food.

and that was it for yesterday. thank you Twinkles for everything :)

2011-12-22T15:50:00.002+08:00

at Bff's house now. funny how this place feels more like home than my actual home.

I've nothing to say. why am I even here. all that needs to be said, has been said on my lj. my solace.

you could stay and watch me fall,
but of course I'll ask for help.
just stay with me now.

2011-12-21T04:31:00.002+08:00

I hate how at times like these, memories come haunting me. here, let me tell you a story.

one day, a mother decided to put her daughter under the care of her aunt. all through primary school, this aunt bathed her, fed her, taught her. in short, this aunt took good care of the girl. the girl looked upon the aunt as her mother. frankly, the girl thinks her mother can never be the mother that her aunt was to her. even till now.

six years together, what did you expect? when she started secondary school, the girl's mother took her back. the girl drifted apart from her aunt, despite living 15 mins away. time went by. one day, she received a call from her aunt. her aunt was lonely and just called to talk. guess what the girl said? she said she was 'busy' and had to hang up. in reality, the girl wasn't doing anything.

the next day, her aunt died.

that girl is me. and this is my number one regret. I took her for granted. I repaid her with my shit attitude. I would trade my life for hers in a fucking heartbeat. yeah, that would work out. her son wouldn't have to be an orphan then. and I wouldn't exist to give other people problems. problem solved.

judge me all you want. I admit it was a heartless thing to do. it broke my fucking heart not to be able to talk to her one last time. I was stupid and still am. and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for treating you like that. even after all these years, the guilt inside me has never gone away. not even a bit. and I deserve this.

now the world knows. one less secret.

2011-12-19T20:17:00.004+08:00

this year has been a pretty bad year for my health. what happened to my immune system? they've let me down.

I went to Yew Tee just now and bought some stuff from NTUC so I don't have to starve when I get hungry at the most inconvenient times. Then I went to Guardian to buy Nurofen, my life saver and my answer to everything, just like how Panadols are the boyfriend's answer to everything too -__-

the pharmacist kinda ticked me off. she asked me what seemed like a million and one questions. okay la, I exaggerated. she asked me a few questions but when you're carrying like 4 plastic bags of groceries and food in one hand, don't you just want the person to um, I dont know.. HURRY THE FUCK UP? but no, this woman had to ask me,

1) "what is it for?" (okay fine, standard question.) so i told her it's for my headaches.
2) "why don't you try Panadols?" bitch, if Panadols worked for my headaches, why would I bother going through the trouble of being questioned by you when I could just purchase a fucking carton of Panadols from fucking NTUC or something?
3) "how come it doesn't work?" really? okay then, hold on while I look in my phonebook for the number of the makers of Panadol so you can interrogate them instead. okay? while you're at that, why not ask them why SMRT has been fucking up lately?! oh also, make sure to ask if they have a medicine specially for you, you piece of shit!
4) "have you seen the doctor about this?" woman, have you seen a psychiatrist for your nonstopquestions sickness?
5) "what did the doctor say?" HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE THERE IS NO CURE FOR CLUSTER HEADACHES YOU BITCH BUT I HOPE THERE IS A CURE FOR YOU THOUGH!!!

and the bitch checks the record and tells me that I already purchased Nurofen a month ago. yes, woman. after purchasing, I consumed it. that's why I purchased it, isn't it? and last I checked, Nurofen doesn't replenish itself. you gotta buy more if you want more. fucking hell.

and don't you forget that I was having flu and fever too. so it made everything worse. I took a nap just now and woke up hungry. I shall look for food later.

on the bright side, US has ended the war in Iraq. It doesn't have any relation to us Singaporeans but I'm happy that the US soldiers can finally go home. If only they ended the war before lives were lost.

2011-12-18T22:03:00.002+08:00

1) Father flew back to Medan a few hours ago.
2) cousin is now a married man. yay.
3) it would take another wedding to gather everyone again without them trying to wring each other's necks.

my father should have reached Medan safely by now. I shall not complain that he doesn't spend enough time here because I know it's good enough that he even got to come back for a while. He earned a scolding from his dog boss for coming back. The bastard must think my dad's a student. You don't scold grown-ups okay? piece of Indonesian shit.

attended my cousin's wedding just now. by some form of miracle, I didn't eat the food there. I wanted to, but every time I wanted to go get some, I had to greet some random relative and make small talk so I gave up eventually. I chilled at the 'pondok' with my two favourite uncles and my father. and my Chinese aunt was there for a while so I talked to her too. My uncle and I made fun of the people. and by 'made fun', I mean 'bitch'. ha ha. I miss working with my Uncle. my brother was with his girlfriend all the way and The Useless was a hit with the cousins. it has always been that way.

I've to admit, in the past, I was jealous (or envious. I can't decide which one.)that the small cousins always chose The Useless over me. and even the around the same age cousins would talk to her at length about god knows what and I on the other hand, always found myself with my uncles. But today, I realised that my uncles are fun to be with. they're funny and somehow, there's this connection between me and them. we understand each other. and I guess that's why we bitch about our own family and relatives, because we see things eye to eye and are able to agree on the same things. what's funny is that, we aren't related by blood. these two uncles are my mum's sisters' husbands. I call them Uncle in-law. haha. makes sense what. so, Useless, you can have the cousins. I think I'd rather have the uncles.

talking about my cousins, I am somewhat disappointed. they are all mini Mat Reps. what the fuck happened to them? they used to be so cute. and now they sport red hair and one even has a stupid tail hair thing. and also, my uncle's 7 year old daughter, smiles at me when she feels like it. and when she doesn't, she just stares at me. hello, make up your mind. you wanna talk to me, or hate me? tsk. go to The Useless k? but just don't be like her.

my uncle was wondering who'd be the next to get married. he reckoned it was The Useless. I found it necessary to tell him that The Useless will not be getting married anytime soon, seeing as to how she's not into the male species (at least, currently.) He was momentarily shocked. hahaha. at least that put a stop to the topic.

it was funny though when my aunt introduced him to her first husband (my uncle's her second). I couldn't help but laugh at my uncle and he laughed too, so it's all good.

Have a blissful marriage cousin (although you're never gonna read this.) can't believe he's someone's husband now. He will forever be the cousin who was more like a sibling. We grew apart after his mother passed away. If you wanna see pictures of him when he was young, he's the one who looks like a monkey, dark and small. that's what they called him anyway so I'm not the mean one here. yeah, we were always in the same photos.

alright, gonna eat and then watch The Big Bang Theory online. have a good week ahead, you guys.

2011-12-16T23:26:00.002+08:00

I WANT THIS CAKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY OR ANY OTHER OCCASION!

and for you noobs who don't know what that is, I am very disappointed in you. THAT, MY FRIEND, IS MINAS TIRITH. you know, from Lord of the Rings? please tell me you know what Lord of the Rings is. please.

Minas Tirith is where Denethor went crazy and tried to burn his only son left, Faramir, alive. but Gandalf came to his aid and Denethor, being the crazy old hag hag that he was, jumped to his death. Minas Tirith is also the place where Aragorn was crowned king. it's a magical place. I wish it was real though. just like how I wish Greek mythology aren't myths.

my laptop's back! okay, not laptop. netbook, but who cares. I've been using Bff's Macbook and now that this laptop is back, it feels like feather in my hands. Shah managed to salvage this forsaken thing after all.

and my laptop's not the only thing that's back. my father's back too! but only for 3 days. he'll be flying back on Sunday night, I think. his flight hasn't been confirmed yet. but 3 days is better than nothing right?

I've to wake up early tomorrow for cousin's wedding thing.. can I not go? haha. this is the cousin whom I grew up with, under the care of his late mother. same age, and he was sort of my protector. I just hope that on Sunday, no one's gonna be like, "so when's your turn?" just because we are of the same age and also because they always kind of like match-made us. um, hello people, ever heard of incest? eew okay?

it's 1130pm ALREADY? urgh.

2011-12-14T21:53:00.003+08:00

I apologise for the lack of updates. I've been busy doing absolutely nothing at all for the past few days, you see. haha.

I've been sleeping over at Bff's house. and ate non-stop over there but yet I don't seem to be gaining any weight. well, whatever.

did I tell you that I'm broke? not only am I broke, I'm really broke. guess it's a good thing then that Imran texted me this afternoon asking if I could help out at The Steakhouse. I swear to God, before that, I was weighing Steakhouse as one of the options to you know, EARN MONEY. but I think my huge ass ego was blocking my fingers from texting Imran first. he and I have some sort of telepathy thing going on, I swear lor. this isn't the first time. remember the last time when I was thinking about how the guys at Steakhouse were doing and then Imran texted me asking how I am and all? yeah.

as much as I hate the distance I've to travel to work and the time away from home I've to sacrifice, I can't deny that I need this just as much. well, you know what they say right?

beggars can't be choosers.

can't wait to get a full-time job.

and here's your video of the day, Jaden Smith. you look at him and you look at Bieber, and you're like... one's the real deal and the other's a fucking piece of dipshit. It's beyond me how anyone can say that Bieber has SWAG. it's also beyond me how these 2 boys can become close friends in the first place. ah, just watch it. it's my favourite video of him.

2011-12-10T15:23:00.001+08:00

as promised, pictures of Danish.

I'm still currently in bed at the Bff's house. too lazy to blog more. haha.

2011-12-08T23:09:00.001+08:00

I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH SCHOOL. but I'm gonna miss studying. but hey, who knows, when I've saved enough money in the future, I might continue studying.

my classmates and I visited our favorite lecturer at his workplace in Orchard Central after our last paper. He works at Border X, the rock climbing / via ferrata wall located in the shopping centre itself. I would have climbed the wall along with my classmates but yeah, my knee... I mean, yes, I could and can climb but I just know I'll suffer the consequences after the climb. and that's not something I wanna go through. Hell, I didn't even have to climb. I was lying down on a bench looking at them climb and taking pictures and my knee was already acting up. I don't think I'd have made it up if I climbed.

bu anyway, I've some pictures.

them shooting hoops at the arcade at Tiong Bahru Plaza.

the wall.

that's the instructor, Darren and Karim.

and yesterday, we went Pulau Ubin! we = the usual suspects. and the usual suspects = Shiqin, boyfriend, Zaimah, Sarifi (plus Shiqin's sisters & Hairul) yes, I named my gang 'the usual suspects'. haha. yesterday itself, I managed to cancel three things off my bucket list!

1. Visit Pulau Ubin
2. Fish spa.
3. Cycle in Pulau Ubin.

okay, it wasn't much of a cycle (at least to me) but it's still cycling anyway right? we met at Changi Village for brunch and took a bum boat to Ubin. Reached out destination and rented the bikes and cycled to the .... place. chilled for a while with our 'welcome drink'(s) and then we started with the activities.

we let the stupid fishes sucked our legs before we did kayaking. damn, kayaking was fun. makes me wanna be a camp instructor. haha. but I know they're gonna make you swim if you wanna be one. and I have an irrational fear of the sea. or lake. or river. aywhere where a huge amount of water collects, except the bathtub. haha.

after kayaking, we cycled back and headed for Changi Point. They showered/changed and we headed to Bff's house. it was too bad she couldn't join us. she cooked for us, thank god for that. we were all famished. I managed to take a nap and after that, boyfriend sent me home.

it was a hell lot of fun, getting to do these things with your friends and loved one. it's just.. priceless. I don't know how else to describe it.

I only took a few pictures cos my handphone battery has been a bitch lately.

this is Danish, the mini mat rep.

I'll post more pictures of this mini mat soon.

2011-12-03T21:57:00.001+08:00

I'm finally done revising. well, not really. but I am done writing out the answers so all that's left to do is.. memorise. and that barely counts as revising. I can't wait for Pulau Ubin. for some unknown reasons, Pulau Ubin is one of the things on my bucket list. Plus, I'll get to do stuff with the boyfriend and the usual suspects. awefuckingsome.

the boyfriend told me just now that he can't wait for Wednesday too. I thought it was because he couldn't wait to like, be out in the sun or something. But when I asked why, he said it's because he will get to spend time with me. HEHEHEHEH BE JEALOUS.

a few minutes ago, my mum pronounced his name as 'sharky'. I'd have corrected her but I was too busy laughing. but after maybe saying it 3 times, she got it right. my mum sees Bff's macbook for like the 243rd time and also asks me for the 243rd time, "repair already ah?" MOTHER CAN'T YOU SEE THIS ISN'T MY LAPTOP! omg. hopeless.

I FINALLY FOUND THE SONG I'VE BEEN HEARING. HAHAHAHA SO HAPPY.

I can't wait to sleepover at the Bff's house again. her house is awesome. I wouldn't mind moving in there if I could afford the rent. okay, I'm gonna help Spazzy do up her blogspot now.

2011-12-02T14:50:00.001+08:00

hi hello. am at the Bff's place right now, still in bed. I just finished booking tickets for the me and the boyfriend at Jurong Point later.

had a horrible dream last night about a pontianak and a particular cab which seemed to be there whenever I needed one. I was aware that I was taking deep, long and heavy breaths though. that was the part that the pontianak was after me. yeah.

eating cereal on the bed now. fuck yeah. don't know where the hell sopi and shah are. last night, we all went grocery shopping at NTUC. I don't know why but I've always like grocery shopping. can't think of anyone who doesn't.

okay, gonna concentrate on eating now. HAHA.

2011-11-29T21:15:00.001+08:00

this is what I'm talking about, people. even when I was growing up, playgrounds like the one on the left were beginning to disappear. I'm glad I got to try it.

had my first paper today. I only read through the 40 MCQs the lecturer gave us for review. believe me when I say I didn't go through the essay questions. I was just too lazy. I had never been more unprepared for any of the exams I had this year than this one. and yet...

this was me before entering school.

and this was me after completing the paper.

not that I want to be overconfident, but the paper consisted of questions that only made use of my common sense. so thank god I have some sense. and common ones at that. I'm also not implying that I'll pass this one with flying colours with some unicorns on it, because I won't. I'll get just a pass.

I normally take 20 minutes to finish a paper (and still get a B. yes, I'm awesome like that.) and 30 minutes at most. but just now, as I was staring into space during the paper thinking of what bullcrap I could come up with, two of my classmates turned to look at me. Their facial expressions seemed to tell me, 'It's past 10 o'clock. Why are you still here?' I found it weird too.

Didn't study = more things to write.

Studied = less things to write.

where's the sense in that, I ask you? It also didn't help that throughout the paper, Dragonforce's Through The Fire & Flames were playing in my head. It was like the soundtrack to the paper -__-

dropped by NTUC at Tiong Bahru Plaza after the paper to get sushi for the boyfriend, since he loves sushi (bleargh.) and headed home but not before buying chicken wings and contact lenses for myself.

and now here I am at the Bff's house just chilling. treated myself to like, 4 sessions on the massage chair and finally managed to pry myself off it. ACHIEVEMENT.

alright, I'm done here. gonna raid the fridge.

2011-11-28T19:55:00.001+08:00

hello kindergarten teachers. this is for YOU.

2011-11-27T19:27:00.001+08:00

I just woke up from a nap not too long ago, and I've yet to take a shower. nyahaha. that can wait.

Went to Shiqin's birthday party yesterday. I wanted to put pictures here but being the lazy ass person that I am, I decided not to. so I only just put them up on FB. but here's a sneak peek.

yeah I wore a dress. k bye.

2011-11-25T20:19:00.001+08:00

HI I'M BACK. hahahaha. I'm doing everything but revising -___-

I forgot to tell the world that I woke up to a very heartwarming e-mail from boyfriend this morning. I'd show you the e-mail but firstly, I'll spare you the details and secondly, the boyfriend would just go, "Tsk!!!" if I put it up here.

because that's what he did when I put the screen capture of his blog post from LJ yesterday. -____- the guy says it's 'COPYRIGHTED'. take a chill pill, boyfriend :D

2011-11-25T19:22:00.001+08:00

hurray, new template, new tagboard but the same old me! hahah. okay, that was unnecessary. well anyway, if you're borderline stupid, tagboard, links and archive are all the way below. and I'd like to apologise in advance because you need to provide an email for the tagboard. but hey, it's only for the first time. after that, you're automatically signed in :D

I like HTML. I can spend hours just doing up the codes and stuff. I'm going to be straightforward here and say it's one thing I'm good at. HTML codes.

I've some pictures for today. I went through my kindergarten stuff in my mum's room and found pictures and my kindergarten report cards. One report card contained 2 blank spaces for the teachers to write comments about me every half-year. so I had 4 comments in total, since you know, 2 years in kindergarten adds up to 4 half-years. when I read the comments, I felt like I was reading some freak child's report card. you know those anti-social kids who turn out to be murderers one day.. yeah, that's what it felt like when I read my report card.

In the report cards, all four of them had the word 'quiet' in it.

'She is too quiet.'
'She is a quiet girl.'
'She is a quiet girl who does not socialise much.'

you get the idea. stupid teachers judging a bloody 5 year old! I remember once when we were all queueing up in kindergarten, I suddenly threw up Milo. lots of it. HAHAHAHAH, fond memories.

oh yeah, pictures.

I'll give you all a bonus picture; my brother the Apek. hahaha.

THEY MADE ME DIKIR BARAT. i will kill you if you don't know which one I am. and the girl on the extreme right, did she eat lipstick for lunch or what?

oh and the boy second from the right is my cousin.

omg. the only time I had earrings on.

I was cute lor. HAHA.

PRIMARY 6 OKAY.

the QUIET anti-social murderous kid.

yeah, that's all. I'll be back if I'm bored. haha.

2011-11-24T22:30:00.001+08:00

everyone wants to be different. no one wants to be normal anymore. but in their relentless pursuit in doing so, they fail to notice that,

they.are.just.like.everyone.else.

normal is the new different, people. and I'm having the last laugh. HAHA <--- there, my last laugh.

that random thought was brought to you by Faezah. Powered by Blogger.

there're a lot of places I'd like to visit. Korea, London, Switzerland and Rome, just to name a few. But numero uno on my list is of course, the ever so beautiful Venice.

you have got to be crazy not to fall in love with this place. I will carve out a career for myself. I'll have savings and one fine day, I will be in this picture. and I hope by then, I'll have someone to share the memories with *hint hint boyfriend*

I read and see of my friends' adventures in a foreign land and I get so envious. They're air stewardesses with SIA and travelling is part of their job. How lucky. If I had the looks, I'd actually follow in their footsteps too. I'd endure the mean passengers onboard for the sake of stepping onto foreign land. I'm good at that anyway. Enduring people's crap.

2011-11-24T17:41:00.001+08:00

Saw the headline about the helicopter crash in Auckland. Clicked on it and read that the pilots escaped with minor injuries and immediately left the page after acquiring that knowledge. I don't know why but the reason why I bothered to read on it was to know if anyone died. I don't know why it should bother me if anyone did. weird. all I wanted to know was if everyone's okay. and thank god they are :)

Have you seen the PSLE results for this year? Usually, I wouldn't and couldn't be bothered about PSLE results, of all things. but I read that 62.9% of the 97.4% who passed are eligible for the Express stream. Amazing isn't it? Has it always been like that for the past few years? Well whatever it is, it's good right? But it got me wondering. These kids... are they getting a chance to be kids? Or is the education system in Singapore devouring them alive? As proud as I am of the PSLE results, I feel equally sad for them.

these kids don't get sand in their playgrounds. remember sand? authentic sand that you could cover your feet in and build sandcastles with. no, what they get is the new age, boring ass plastic playground. yeah it's safer and blah bloody blah, but isn't falling down and hurting yourself half the fun? someone agree with me please.

how are they spending their childhood now? they're all cooped up in their house playing with their material stuff. if they aren't playing, they're studying. I bet it's studying for the most part. oh, and also, don't you think they're growing up too fast? they're rushing themselves to fall in love. and when they fail, they go, "boohoo! my boyfriend/girlfriend left me. it's the end of the world! boohoo!" dammit, have you even hit puberty?!

It's just that I hate that they're throwing their childhood away just like that, intentionally or not. give these kids their childhood back. they deserve it.

hm. I should have my own column in the newspaper. HAHA.

2011-11-24T16:48:00.001+08:00

awwww. you mean the world to me too.

I'm supposed to be busy but everyday, all I do is sleep for like 12 hours. I've an exam next week and another one the week after. and after the last paper, we'll be going to lecturer's wall at Orchard Central. Then there's Spazzy's party on Saturday. And we've yet to go to Pulau Ubin. I could use the tan. and then there's the Nght Safari too. everyone's schedule seems to clash and it's hard to decide on a day where we can all go. Plus, everyone has their own things to settle.

Went for my knee check-up the other day, accompanied by boyfriend. can't rmb the last time I woke up that early. My doctor looked like a tall, good-looking and thin version of Mr. Hahn of Linkin Park. HAHA. and the nurse who did the x-ray was some hot Caucasian chick. Not bad. If I had to stay in a hospital, I'd choose NUH. hahahaha.

well anyway, doc said my kneecap's crooked and my cartilage is soft. He asked me to go for physiotherapy. and if I'm not wrong, the first session was supposed to be... today. haha. like hell I'll go. I can't bloody afford it. and my knee won't hurt as much as long as I'm not doing anything much. and I haven't been doing anything at all lately. so I'm fine.

doesn't anyone else update their blogs anymore? I swear I'm practically stalking Spazzy's blog because she's the only one who seems to update. OH GUESS WHAT I FOUND. I googled Elvin Ng and found out that the guy has a blog! and he has been blogging since 2009?! HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THIS? HOW? I'm gonna add him to my links. heheh. oh, and boyfriend's too.

alright, I'm gonna revise now.

2011-11-20T22:51:00.001+08:00

today has got to be the most unproductive day ever. hmm. okay, no. that's a lie. haha. I have had many unproductive days before, some even more unproductive (if possible) than this. I woke up at 4 plus p.m and before I knew it, it was already dark outside.

and I only took a shower like, half an hour ago. but yesterday, I did some revision and I managed to do quite a lot. WAIT WHAT THE FUCK. IT'S 11.08PM. isn't the Elvin Ng show supposed to start now?! That is the only thing I look forward to every Sunday. It's what I live for!! or does it start at 12? tsk.

I watched Immortals with the boyfriend last night. It was alright. More than alright actually. Reminded me of Lord of the Rings. they just replaced the precious ring with a bow. haha. and it did help that the leading actor was nice to look at. and not forgetting the plot revolving around Greek mythology. I've always been interested in that. If anyone knows of any books on Greek mythology, tell me. or better still, BUY IT FOR ME. heh.

I'm dreading the appointment for my knee at NUH tomorrow. first of all, it's at 9.30am. tell me which sane human wakes up that freaking early? NOT ME.

I'm gonna go watch One Piece since Elvin Ng has stood me up :(

2011-11-19T16:10:00.001+08:00

school has finally come to an end. just two more exams to sit for and I'll be 100% school-free. I'm gonna miss my classmates. well, some of them only lah hor. I think we all know who I won't be missing. AT ALL.

I currently have an ulcer at the back of my left cheek and it hurts like fuck. it's been 3 days now and Bonjela doesn't seem to help. I applied some just now and i think the ulcer bled because there was blood on my finger when I took it out of my mouth. even something so basic like swallowing my saliva hurts. I might have cried in the bathroom while showering just now because it hurt so bad when I was brushing my teeth. fucking hell.

yeah and if you think that isn't bad enough, I can't stop sneezing. and every time I sneeze, it hurts. what's new? IT FUCKING HURTS YOU FUCKING ULCER GO AWAY ALREADY! fuck.

I've a knee appointment to go to on Monday at NUH. I really don't wanna go. I just know it's going to be a waste of my time, energy and money. and since the boyfriend has insisted on accompanying me, it's gonna be a waste of his time too. another thing to feel bad about. it's not like as if I have a lot of money to spare and yet I still have to waste money on this damned thing.

I'm gonna do my revision now. who still reads this blog anyway? pfft.

2011-11-13T00:13:00.001+08:00

finafuckinglly, I'm done with assignments and projects. but let's not forget that last oral presentation which everyone of us failed to notice. like it's any of our fault. usually when PSB hands us the student guide, they'd list down 'oral presentation' as one of the first things. but this time, they only out it at the back. they might as well have put it in fine print. dumb asses.

now I have all the free time in the world, no work and no money. YAY. I don't even think I'm going for the hospital appointment.

anywayyyyyy, caught a movie with the boyfriend today. but before that, we had pasta. what else? I pity him. ever since we got together, all he eats is pasta because... well, that's all I eat. and look here, I even licked the plate clean! okay no I didn't lick it. I wanted to but you know, I had to spare the boyfriend the embarrassment. haha.

after dinner, we watched Tintin. I remember how in school, I'd smuggle out Tintin books from the library. there's just something about the books that made me want to read more.

the movie was alright, I guess. I love CGI. nyahaha. and now.. I don't know what I'm going to do :/

2011-11-10T02:53:00.001+08:00

Anderson Cooper. sighhh.

2011-11-08T22:41:00.000+08:00

turns out, there is good karma after all. I got back my iPod touch from the taxi driver this afternoon. bless that man. I hope he, in turn, will be showered with good karma.

there's one last group project to do and it's the hardest one yet. I don't know where to begin.

I don't know why I'm still not gaining weight. my appetite has improved, albeit a bit only but still.. I eat two full meals a day now and not just junk food and finger food. I had chicken chop with the boyfriend for lunch just now and had hor fun for dinner with the usual suspects.

oh, boyfriend and I watched 2359 yesterday and I had a difficult time sleeping because I was suffering from the aftermath of the horror movie. the plot of the movie was utter nonsense but the ghosts were quite scary. the thing is, this is the kind of person I am - I dare to watch horror movies. I get a bit scared in the theatres but I still watch it but the movie only gets to me after I get home.

so anyway, I was lying down in bed and my bed faces the window and I don't usually shut the windows, even when I'm using the air-con. I started picturing the ghost hovering outside my window. I'd have slept the other way but that would mean I'd be facing the cupboard then. and you know, wonderful people like Monica and boyfriend always scare me with their 'girl in the cupboard' thing. I ended up sleeping with the lights on. but even then, I wanted to badly sleep on my side facing the wall but my back would be exposed! so guess what? I built a fort. I took my pillows and bolster and lined the sides of my bed. call me a noob, but it helped A LOT. but I was still scared though. I predict this will continue for the next few days until I wear it out.

I'm gonna do something about the project now. I took a look at it yesterday and decided to give up but it's time I did something.

goodnight.

2011-11-07T21:11:00.004+08:00

I kinda hate lomography. call me a pessimist, but lomography is fake. I don't see the good in it. the photos it produces aren't realistic. it's like you're living a damn lie.

you pan the camera, click and then some fake beautiful photos appear. put your camera away and you realise the world can never be what the camera produces. those beautiful photos of phoniness.

I'm sorry for being a wet blanket but I just think that lomography is fake.

2011-11-07T14:35:00.002+08:00

let's see how life has been treating me the past few days.

1) laptop crashed. R.I.P.
2) broke.
3) left ipod touch in the stupid cab.
4) my family's not much of a family.

and I actually thought good karma would be heading my way just because I donated to an ex-convict. how naive.

Nurul, Nurul's boyfriend, Bff and I were hanging around in Bugis while waiting for Lyana to reach and Zaimah to end work. then this guy came along and said that he was collecting donations for a cause. of course he had all the proper paperwork and stuff. he said it would go towards helping ex-convicts bla bla bla. and he's one too. the only reason I donated? cos I have an uncle in prison and I was thinking, "If i don't help them, who will?" so yeah.. and you know, not that i was EXPECTING good karma. I donated out of sincerity, you know. but you'd think karma would at least give me a break. geez.

but hey, you know. I have awesome people around me. Bff loaned me her Macbook so I can finish up my projects and assignments and boyfriend loaned me his iPod touch so I can read iBooks to sleep and play Crash Bandicoot on it.

again and again, they rescue me. what would I be without them?

2011-11-01T23:43:00.000+08:00

Guess what I'm having for supper? Forget it, you'll never be able to. For supper, I'm having a headache! YAY! -_________-

And it's not the normal throbbing headache that i usually get. It's the 'sleep/lie down too much' kinda headache. It feels damn annoying.

Boyfriend and I have just passed the 3 month mark. Just like I told him, I'm having mixed feelings about it. How many times have I heard people say that all the shit starts after the third month? I'd rather not believe it really but some things like my past have proven this theory right.

The Beast started his physical abuse on me after the 3rd month, and the other one started drifting apart after the third month too. so you see, even if I chose not to believe in it, I couldn't. I guess it's all in how you look at it and how you choose to overcome it. Do I have faith in Shukry? Yes. But do I have faith in me? well, let's just say my faith, is as stable as a one-legged blind man jumping on a trampoline.

I don't know how people do it. How do they look in the mirror and like what they see? I'm 24 and I still haven't found a direction in life. Pathetic much? I GUESS SO. Makes me wonder about a million and one other things that I shouldn't be wondering about, lest the anxiety attacks strike again.

don't get me wrong. I am happy with my life. But it's just that I know I can be happier if I just knew what I wanted in life. If only we were given a manual to life, and a personalised one at that. In it, it'd state what we would be when we grow up. Amongst everything else, THAT is what I need to know.

because I can't be this empty shell forever.

but anyway, Happy 3rd Month, retarsome.

2011-11-01T00:14:00.004+08:00

found this in my archives. it's damn accurate.

Harmony-seeking Idealists are characterised by a complex personality and an abundance of thoughts and feelings. They are warm-hearted persons by nature. They are sympathetic and understanding. Harmony-seeking Idealists expect a lot of themselves and of others. They have a strong understanding of human nature and are often very good judges of character. But they are mostly reserved and confide their thoughts and feelings to very few people they trust. They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism. Harmony-seeking Idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships. However, if reaching a certain target is very important to them they can assert themselves with a doggedness bordering on obstinacy.

Harmony-seeking Idealists have a lively fantasy, often an almost clairvoyant intuition and are often very creative. Once they have tackled a project, they do everything in their power to achieve their goals. In everyday life, they often prove to be excellent problem solvers. They like to get to the root of things and have a natural curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. At the same time, they are practically oriented, well organised and in a position to tackle complex situations in a structured and carefully considered manner. When they concentrate on something, they do so one hundred percent - they often become so immersed in a task that they forget everything else around them. That is the secret of their often very large professional success.

As a Harmony-seeking Idealist you are one of the introverted personality types. Therefore you prefer a quiet work environment where you can intensively deal with your responsibilities and are not disturbed by too many people and repeated distractions. You need a lot of time to dwell on your thoughts, to put them into words and let your ideas take shape. You are grateful for a certain measure of order and structure in order to achieve this, and being able to deal with one project after the other, thus not having a number of responsibilities at one time. You don’t like being overloaded because it is important to you to deal with things thoroughly. Your capability to concentrate is unusually great and very often you become engrossed in something and forget everything around you.

You are one of the feeler types. This fact is partially the reason that you have a very strong insight into human nature and enjoy dealing with people. You are interested in the people around you and have a real sense for their motivations, needs and abilities. Your talent to see the best in everybody and your keen wish to understand others and somehow contribute to their wellbeing predestine you to work with people.

Due to your propensity to be introverted you are not into holding major speeches for large audiences. Your real strength lies in working individually with people like therapists, physicians or priests. In those professions, when advancing others in their personal development or to help them in any other way is the issue, you are unbeatable. You are extremely sensitive, and your social competences are developed above average. As a result you have no problems working with people or being a team member. Still, you should watch out to primarily surround yourself with persons who are similarly profound and eclectic. During the working day you abhor thoughtless, superficial, and insensitive colleagues.

When solving problems, the ability to see something totally outside the paradigm to find new challenging creative opportunities is one of your great strengths. This applies to products as well as people. Therefore, one finds many people of your type in science and research because you are comfortable to get to the bottom of things. Curiosity is one of the driving forces in your life, anyway. You simply want to know what holds the world’s core together. Here your intuitive side makes it easy for you to work with abstract and even very complex questions. Consequently you surely will be very successful in scientifically oriented settings.

Should you prefer to choose a working environment where people are in the center of your thoughts this aptitude will also serve you well. It is rare that someone combines a sharp analytical mind on one hand with that much warmth and intuitiveness on the other. Because you quickly understand what is wrong and are available with your creative suggestion for a solution and adroitly motivate others to make positive changes in their lives you are the perfect person of contact (POC) for people with anxieties and problems who have lost track and don’t have sufficient capabilities to find themselves.

2011-10-30T01:11:00.003+08:00

today was an emotional roller-coaster ride. all because my laptop finally crashed. I'm not gonna lie, I was actually wondering when it was going to crash because it has been with me for quite some time. and then the damned thing actually read my mind and died on me. it told me that it had had enough of me by showing me the blue screen of death.

boyfriend brought it home and actually spent the whole damn day trying to fix it, with his father. in between, he even brought me to Sim Lim to buy a new hard disk and we managed to grab a quick dinner after that. He went back home and continued working on it but that thing was a gone case. but nevertheless, I am eternally grateful to him and his father for trying to revive it.

another life saver came in the form of a human being named Monica. she offered to lend me her sister's netbook (with her sister's permission, of course). does a beggar reject help? no. so I took it. I was on the way to her house when the bff called and asked me why I never asked to borrow her Macbook from her. I thought Shah was using it, that's why I didn't ask.

So there I was in Tiong Bahru, with the intention of going to Monica's house but I made a u-turn instead and headed home cos Bff said she'd sent her Macbook over. wow. that was 2 hours wasted just like that.

I don't think any amount of 'thank you's can express my gratitude towards everyone mentioned above. I feel like I owe them the world.

so yes, I am blogging using Bff's Macbook. I'm kinda hating this point of my life right now. but let's just count my blessings. it's gonna be a long day tmr, what with all my assignments and projects.

2011-10-28T21:21:00.002+08:00

bored in class, so I looked this up. I highlighted the ones I think is true. Agree?

Chinese Zodiac - Rabbit.

Occupying the 4th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Rabbit symbolizes such character traits as creativity, compassion, and sensitivity. Rabbits are friendly, outgoing and prefer the company of others. (I am kinda aloof and introverted.) They also prefer to avoid conflict. In confrontational situations, Rabbits approach calmly and with consideration for the other party. (i don't approach. I RUN from it all.) Rabbits believe strongly in friends and family and lacking such bonds can lead to emotional issues.

Their serene nature keeps Rabbits from becoming visibly upset. Because they’re serene animals, Rabbits are easily taken advantage of. (I allow myself to be pushed around.) Their sensitive nature makes them shy away from aggressive or competitive situations. They’re overall conservative and not interested in taking risks.

Classy (HAHA), sophisticated, expressive, well-mannered and stylish, those born under the Sign of the Rabbit enjoy leaning about cultural issues and learning about people from other countries. Rabbits are most comfortable being home, and their homes are always neat and organized (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Home is also where Rabbits prefer to entertain. Rabbits are conservative in their decorating tastes.

Rabbits should work at building more self-confidence and self-worth so they can feel more secure (DAMN RIGHT). The desire for remaining in safe, comfortable environments keeps Rabbits from taking risks which sometimes causes them to miss out on good opportunities.

k done. thank you for wasting your time here.

2011-10-27T22:41:00.001+08:00

it's only ten and I'm already in bed. remember that time when i said I should get started on my assignments? yeah, they're still untouched. if you were to ask me what it's about, I'll only be able to tell you, "you know, I have not the slightest idea." I didn't even bother taking a look.

so what am I doing with all my free time, you ask? I've been watching movies and tv shows on Funshion. For this, I blame the boyfriend for introducing Funshion to me. I actually watched Season 1 to 3 of iCarly the past week. wow. I.am.such.a.bum.

I've also been going out with my friends. like today. Bff and I went to town for like what, a half hour? just to get her Crumpler bag and we had dinner at Al-Azhar after that. Boyfriend shortly joined us and now I'm in bed. and I think I'm hungry once again, dammit.

I hope there're some chickens to fry.

well anyway, how awesome is Greyson Chance? that kid is multi-talented!If he was ten years older, I'd have his posters up on my wall. but since he's really young, I shall try to keep it low. HAHA. no prizes for guessing what today's video is. D'oh!

try to have no regrets
even if it's just tonight
how you gonna walk ahead
if you keep living blind

2011-10-24T10:07:00.001+08:00

two nights ago, the Bff and boyfriend slept over. It was like an impromptu slumber party. We watched tv and ordered in McDonald's breakfast at 5am. I'm really glad these two people I love can get along.

my mum cooked Mee Siam for us in the morning. I'm thankful that I've a cool mum. well so anyway, the day was spent in town.

It's been a really long time since we stepped in Orchard Road and actually spent a lot of time there. I'll skip the boring parts. Lunch at Pique Nique was awesome. We had

classic mac and cheese,

hot iron waffles,

a chicken burger named 'The Tokyo Incident',

Whoopie Fries (best fries I've ever had in my whole damned life)

and some Whoopie pies.

no, they aren't macarons. and the best part of it all? after all that we ate, w didn't have to pay a cent for it. awesome! and i've my uncle to thank for that. the bill must have been $60>$100.

excuse me if this post seems.. whatever. I'm rushing because I wanna watch iCarly on Funshion. HAHA.

and somebody kick me in the head please. I need to get started on my assignment and projects.

2011-10-22T22:43:00.002+08:00

I watched this years ago and it is undoubtedly one of the best movies of all times. too bad I can't find it on Funshion. I'd kill for the DVD.

2011-10-21T12:15:00.003+08:00

I am officially jobless. but not for long I hope. because money doesn't fall from the sky, I heard.

why am I up this early? I've a lot of laundry to do. I think it's more than a week's worth. If I don't do it, I'm gonna run out of clothes to wear.

let's see... school in the evening. free tomorrow. then Bff is sleeping over for the next 3 nights. one assignment and one project due next week. and another assignment due .... I've no idea when. I'm gonna do this group project because I didn't contribute much for last term's one.

I shouldn't have blogged. I don't have anything else to say :/ nevermind. I'll let Bon Jovi entertain you.

We bleed the same blood
We cry the same tears
We have the same fears
We pass the same years
We see the same stars
Under the same skies
We pass the same time
We all live and die

2011-10-20T11:46:00.002+08:00

Hayley insists we look like twins. WE SO DO NOT.

2011-10-19T11:04:00.001+08:00

I don't know why I'm awake this early. But it's alright. I'm gonna watch One Piece.

Had my last day at PN yesterday. thank god for that. the workload is okay, more than okay actually. it's really easy. I get along with everyone. but one thing I can't stand is the crowd that PN attracts.

they are by far, the most annoyingly anal people I've ever come across. anal, anal, anal. on hindsight, Steakhouse's crowd are an easy-going bunch. you know why PN's crowd is anal? because they're locals. it killed me inside to work there.

only locals will demand for a booth seating meant for 4 pax when in actual fact, they are alone. only locals will ignore the 'Please Wait To Be Seated' sign and stroll in leisurely and choose their own freaking tables. only locals will ask for warm water and when given, they will say, "can you take this back? this isn't warm water." okay firstly, water's free. we don't charge you for that. BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS. and secondly, if you want hot water, then say you want hot water. do you not know the difference between warm and hot? locals are greedy, impatient, selfish and judgmental. so now you can see why I'm glad it was my last day there.

tomorrow will be my last day at Steakhouse. I'm gonna miss everyone. I realised yesterday that my colleagues at Steakhouse say the weirdest things. ever. they're annoying most of the time but when they're not, they're pretty funny. weirdly funny.

One Piece has finished buffering. so.. bye? I've never really put up pictures of myself, have I? so here you go.

2011-10-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

It's been a crazy week. I ~~think I might~~ have overestimated myself. I'm working two jobs at one time but thank god it's all gonna end by the end of this week. The result of it all? An exhausted Faezah, neglect in assignments and class and a worried boyfriend. I gained nothing from it all, except money of course.

I finally told Imran that I was quitting. I really feel bad for leaving, as shitty as The Steakhouse has been. and I know that Imran is under a tremendous amount of stress running The Steakhouse and I know I didn't help by dropping the bomb on him. But I'm sure they'll be fine. People come and go, right?

I did a half-assed job with my assignment. hell, it wasn't even half-assed. it was no-assed! I was typing while sleeping and sleeping while typing. I thought I wasn't proud of one of my past assignment but this one tops it. Come to think about it, my assignment resembled the chinese newspaper - a whole lot of pictures everywhere and very few words. but where Shin Min Daily News had provocative pictures of women, I had boring pictures of Kallang Cage. I don't know why Shin Min never fails to have sexy, raunchy photos of women, be it celebrity or not. I swear that newspaper is almost soft porn.

I got an A and C for last term's exams. yeah I know I said that another C wouldn't have looked good but really, I can't ask for much okay? last two terms, we were given 3 hours to each paper and I took half an hour to do it. last term, it was 3 hours again and I took 15 minutes to complete it. so if you think about it, a C isn't that bad huh?

boyfriend has been ... what word befits him? can't think of any right now. I realised the other day that he has spoiled me rotten. he does all these small things for me, that of course means nothing to him but holds a lot of meaning for me. he has been there for me through everything despite his other commitments. he worries about me more than I do about myself. and I actually feel exhausted for him for always being there for me, REALLY. and even after all this, he has the cheek to think he makes a sucky boyfriend. geez.. oh, but lately though, he has been very bitchy. but Bff said that he got it from me so I only have myself to blame. nyeh. boys can't be bitchy okay. bitchiness is for girls. but he's pretty much the best nonetheless.

2011-10-11T11:46:00.000+08:00

caught Real Steel with boyfriend last night after school. the movie had the three elements I like;

1. robots. (lately, I've developed some kinda appreciation for them. and when I say 'appreciation', I really mean 'fetish'. haha. I can't remember the number of robot design tees I own)
2. small boys. (boys are forever cute.)
3. Hugh Jackman (my liking for this man of men stemmed from Sheila, so I blame her.)

I gotta go to the polyclinic later to check on my stupid knee. I have not the slightest doubt that the boyfriend will really literally drag my ass there some other time if I don't do it today.

I need to write up a to-do list and one of the things that needs to be included is a visit to my grandfather.

sometimes I look at him and I wonder how someone who was once so strong can be reduced to the state that he's in now. He used to be the man everyone looked up to and respected. He would initiate family meetings when he sensed something was amiss or when someone needed help. He was the glue that held families together and he never missed a prayer.

now all that's left of that man is a weak body and an even weaker mind. I know he's lonely. and sad. he often tells me that the useless 26 year old doesn't bother to call or text him anymore. what do you expect from her, grandfather? she's a good for nothing. and is it so hard to just call or text him once a week? I guess for a 26 year old good for nothing, it is.

the weather has been awesome these few days. it should be like this all year round. heh. okay, I'm done here. I don't even know why I'm up so early. urgh.

2011-10-10T21:22:00.001+08:00

print screen from Spazzy's tumblr. thanks, Spazzy.

2011-10-10T20:04:00.001+08:00

in class now. I don't even know how to fill this void here. I don't have anything in particular to talk about, but there's definitely a lot on my mind. it's like a whirlwind inside. my mind needs an organiser.

I'm gonna get a bigger organiser for next year so I can write much more stuff in it. Isn't there a One Piece organiser? heh.

k wait, let me put everything in order.

let's talk about school. how do I put this? it's basically the same shit, same workload, same issues I've to go through. I will forever be the shithead that I am. as long as I don't stand up for myself, this is how shitty life will be for me. I've an assignment due next week and I've done shit. to make things worse, my individual assignment this term requires us to work 'in pairs'. firstly, PSB needs to revise on their definition of individual assignment. I don't know how working in pairs counts as an individual assignment. secondly, I like to do things alone. yes, I am that anti-social. I do things better when I do it alone. Hell, given the time and materials, I'd willingly do the group projects by myself. I really would. I need to get started on my assignments soon.

work has been okay. busy and tiring, but it's alright. I try not to be offended by the things my colleagues say. them being the Malay people that they are.. I'll just shrug it off.

I celebrated (although I didn't want to) my birthday with my friends and boyfriend and half the family (just my mum and brother). I appreciate what my mum did for me and I've yet to thank her. I also appreciate that my friends and boyfriend took some time out from their night to be there with me.

my knee has been giving me problems. climbing staircases has been a pain in the ass. I don't know what triggered it. I didn't fall or anything. nothing at all. now I've to waste even more money on my health. fuck this shit.

hmm. I'm gonna ask Darren if he knows anything about my knee.

2011-10-05T08:14:00.001+08:00

HI LOOK AT THE TIME! I'M ACTUALLY AWAKE AT THIS HOUR! HAHAHAHAHAHA. but only because the Bff just came over and we also just ordered McDonald's breakfast. I honestly can't remember when I last had McDonald's breakfast.

AND CLASS IS CANCELLED TODAY! i get to stay home and do nothing all day! woohoo!

okay, this is retarded.

2011-10-03T13:46:00.000+08:00

unfortunately I'm not dead. I just haven't had the energy to blog. and right now as I'm typing this, I'm onboard the plane to London... not. haha. okay what I meant to say was as I'm typing this, my left knee is hurting like a bitch. I don't know how a bitch hurts but hey, I'm not the one who coined the expression.

It's annoying, the pain. It came suddenly. and it's making me feel really old. but what's more annoying is the fact that I am always sick. not fever/flu kinda sick but I am always constantly suffering from something.

bleeding nose, that cramp in my abs, cramp in the kidney area, headaches, motion sickness, sinus and now this. it's very, very, very annoying and that is a very, very, very gross understatement. and it's also annoying that I've to make boyfriend worry about this. like he doesn't have enough things to worry about.

the last term of school has started, and on Mondays and Wednesdays from 7pm to 10pm, it's my designated time to talk to Sheila on MSN. It's pretty much the only thing I look forward to on those days in school. On Fridays, I listen to the lecturer because he's the best lecturer anyone could ask for and he knows what he's doing/talking/teaching. but he likes to tell the class, "the quietest people are the most dangerous." and he's always referring to me. dude, I only speak when I've something worthy to say and that doesn't happen often, does it?

Triple Nine is on tv now. I think... actors and shows back then were much much better than the ones now. Now, the actors try so hard but they still can't pull it off. That's what I think.

okay, I'm gonna go back to sleep. see you guys soon.

HAHA. because I can't stop listening to this song.

2011-09-28T02:50:00.001+08:00

MY HEAD IS THREATENING TO EXPLODE. at least that's what it feels like right now. headaches were gone for quite some time but it's back. dread. when will I ever be free.

okay you know what. I'll leave this as it is. I'll continue tmr or something. this headache is killing me.

2011-09-24T21:16:00.002+08:00

CYCLING WAS A DISASTER.

I cycled from Yew Tee to Bukit Batok and barely made it because I threw up twice. The first time was along Brickland Road and the second time, it was behind this mama shop near my grandma's house.

I hope that it's because I haven't cycled in a while and overdid it and not because Zaimah passed her virus to me. I've had stomach flu twice in my life and it sucked. It really did. The first time i got it, I was in primary school. I got it from eating the stupid Mee Kuah from the Indian shop. I've never gone near any Mee Kuah eversince. I threw up like what, more than ten times? bloody hell.

oh, but on the bright side, I think my vomit was pretty cool today. you know, the one that I orally excreted behind the mama shop. it was all Coke foam. I wish I had my phone with me so I could have taken a picture.

and so, I left my bike at my grandma's place and finally got to see her. I earned a yelling from her too. something like, "YOU KNOW YOU'RE ALREADY SICK, WHY YOU CYCLE?!" as a matter of fact, grandmother. I didn't know I was sick and is this how you show your love to your granddaughter who has cycled a long way just to see you?! geez. I got pretty bored there after a while so I crossed the carpark and walked like, 50 steps to my aunt's house fpr the sole purpose of raiding her fridge.

when I reached her house, I saw my 3 cousins in the living room playing on their notebooks, complete with headphones. and one even had those headphone with mic thing, and it made him look like a pilot. I asked my aunt if she had converted her place to a cybercafe now and she reasoned that that was her way of keeping them in the house. very clever, auntie. looked like it worked.

I got 2 packets of Yakult and a bar of Crunchie from her fridge. hehe. I could have gotten more but I wasn't feeling too good then. so I just kept saying "don't want." to everything she offered me. which by the way, was a lot. chocolates, candy and even.. bubble tea. if only I could bring home her fridge.

after I was satisfied with my loot, I made my way back to my grandma's house and talked to her for a while. and made my way home, in a cab. haha.

I took a nap and had a pretty weird dream involving Aziz. of all people. and I've a headache now. urgh.

2011-09-23T23:18:00.001+08:00

well, hello there. I actually have a stomachache, but I'm too lazy to go to the toilet.

yesterday, boyfriend and I watched Abduction. I initially didn't want to watch it because I don't really like Taylor Lautner (handsome meh? pfft.) but it meant getting to spend some time with the boyfriend, so I didn't mind.

and may I just say, ABDUCTION SUCKS ELEPHANT BALLS. the plot is what some people would call 'bullfuckingshit'. my doorknob has more plot and excitement than the movie! and being a girl (although not a girlish one), having a charming and dashing lead actor would somehow cushion the ridiculous storyline but too bad for me, I do not find Taylor Lautner charming or dashing. so there you go. I'd give Abduction a rating of bullshit/10. yeah, the movie doesn't even deserve a number.

I'm thankful that despite the amount of schoolwork he has, the boyfriend still sets aside time for us. even if it's just for a while. even though he's tired. I really appreciate the little sacrifices he makes. I could never ask for more.

and today, I spent a whole day with the Noobs - Monica and Zaimah. we went tanning at Sentosa and watched Fright Night after that. I fell asleep in the theatre twice. Haha. I don't know if the movie was boring or if I was sleepy. it's probably both. I'm not a fan of Colin Farrell anyway. we had dinner after that and hung out a bit. I slept in the bus on the way home and Zaimah would tell you that I was sleeping headbanging but I'd tell you that i was headbanging to the songs on my ipod because I don't want to admit to the truth.

although I was sleepy, I had this itch to go cycle. so the moment I reached home, I changed into shorts and an Adidas shirt. but the boyfriend asked me to cycle tmr instead because it'd made him worry. so.. I changed back. I'd normally just go ahead and cycle because I know I'll be fine but the boyfriend's working today and apart from being tired, I don't want him to be worried for no reason too, so.. I'll listen to him today. besides, if I cycle in the day tmr, maybe I'll get a tan. Haha.

I'm gonna watch 2 Days 1 Night now.

2011-09-21T23:30:00.000+08:00

guess what I did today? Zaimah and I paid Lyana and her kids a visit. I can't even remember the last time I saw her kids.

We went to Kiddy Palace and bought something for Luthfana because she was sick and all. We didn't get Luthfi anything (except 20 pcs nuggets from McDOnald's) and so obviously when we gave Luthfana her toy, Luthfi got cranky because he didn't get any.

He refused to talk to us and eat his nuggets so I brought him to 7-11 to buy a toy car. That was the plan, at least. When I went down with Luthfi, it dawned onto me that... I had no idea where 7-11 was. I have never seen a 7-11 at Lyana's area. I asked her for directions and she did provide me with it, but I didn't have the slightest idea what she was talking about. She mentioned a tentage and I didn't see any. What was I to do right? so I asked Luthfi. I asked him, "Luthfi, where's the car?" and he pointed straight ahead. so I walked straight. every few steps we took, I'd ask him the same question and he'd always point straight ahead. I actually trusted that little guy.

after some time, I saw it. but not the 7-11 though. I saw Sunshine Place. and I thought, what the hell. might as well go there. and it was better than 7-11 anyway. he got 2 boxes of toy cars and we made our way back home.

it was only then that Luthfi talked to us and ate his nuggets. tsk. that's it. that's the story of how I asked a 3 year old for directions.

well anyway, check out Luthfana's hair. FUNKYYYYY.

and the big boss eating his nuggets.

and how the big boss arranged his cars, buses, lorries and trains.

and it's almost time to sleep. (almost because Luthfi went jumping around right after finishing his milk)

2011-09-19T21:43:00.001+08:00

do you know how many notebooks/notepads I have? and I never have anything worthy to write in them. I have a big box of it. but the thing is, I can't resist buying them. HAHA.

Bff has been sleeping over the past two days, with the exception of last night. She made cupcakes but it didn't turn out well. I have some pictures.

and by 'some', I actually meant ONE picture only. haha.

work has been mundane lately. different people, same shit and all about incompetence. and people like Eddie refuse to move on and still drops by quite often. in this context, my 'drop by' means coming to The Steakhouse and making his way around like he owns the damn place and also helping himself to the food and beer. fucking useless alcoholic.

I went to Lot One just now with Zaimah. Just because. I made her walk around for a good two hours. We ate PastaMania and went into shops just to look at stuff. oh, and thank you Comic Connection for making me go crazy over the One Piece stuff. URGH. I want them so bad HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT. hahahahaha.

school will resume next week, I think. whenever the hell 26th September is. I can't be bothered to check. 2 more assignments, 2 more group projects and two more exams till I graduate. then what?

honeymoon period with the boyfriend has finally passed. but that's okay. honeymoon period was obviously called honeymoon 'period' for the simple reason that its not meant to be forever. we both have our own things to accomplish (well actually, just him, not me. haha.). he has his school stuff to concentrate on and I've my routine work and school to walk through. I can't wait to break that cycle. yeah right. I'd probably waltz right into another cycle. but whatever it is, I gotta stop wishing the honeymoon period didn't have to end. it's part and parcel of a relationship, isn't it?

hello, any idea what I should write in my spanking new notebook? haha.

2011-09-16T00:18:00.001+08:00

I realised today that when I look at people, I wonder what kind of lives they lead. and I do it a lot. but I just realised that today. do you ever do that?

when I look at someone, all sorts of questions come to mind. I wonder if they have a nice house. Does he dote on his children? Does she have an inferiority complex, even though she's pretty? Is that boy living a lie? Are her grandparents still alive?

It's almost a habit, this thing. okay, it probably is. I just hope it doesn't turn into an obsession.

I'm supposed to be studying for the exam later. but god, I am very unmotivated right now. and I also have a stomachache. okay, I'm bringing this into the toilet.

okay here I am. HAHA. are you disgusted yet?

I had work just now and it was pretty relaxing for a Thursday. The other day, Aziz tried talking to me. If you don't know who Aziz is yet, he's the OM who's under the impression that I hate him. I don't. He talked to me the other day and asked me, "Are you always this quiet?" HAHAHA. I told him that I'm not and I don't really talk to him because I take a pretty long time to open up to someone new. take my classmates for example. I only started joking around with them after like what, six months of being in the same class thrice a week. So just now, he told me, "Every day, I want you to ask me a question. okay?" I think the guy reckons it'd be good for my 'opening up' process. damn. now I've to prepare a list of questions. Knnccb.

okay, think I've procrastinated enough. or maybe I'm just gonna take my procrastination elsewhere. HAHA.

how often do you see a black guy in a rock band and not rapping?

2011-09-14T22:48:00.003+08:00

I hate feeling vulnerable & weak.

2011-09-11T01:37:00.000+08:00

after months of working at The Steakhouse and telling guests that we do not serve decaf coffee, I found out today that we do in fact serve decaf coffee. -___- I can't recall who the moron was who informed me that we don't. geez. and they always make me partner the new guy. yeah, he's nice and all but the way we do things are different. I'd rather work alone. and the other new guy.. is a pussy. I don't know why but people always expect me to do their job for them. look, it's not like I've never done what he's doing now. If I can finish everything up before 11, I don't see why he can't. come on, stop being incompetent. I don't even get why he whines when he can't finish on time. he doesn't even have to worry about transport. seriously, these people... I've decided to let them be. many times I've shut my mouth when he passed some remarks.

so I came home from work, and suddenly felt like eating my mum's fried chicken. it's been some time since I've had that. so I asked her to cook some. and she said she'd cook it tmr, so that's something to look forward to.

on my way home from work, I bumped into Hafis. been quite some time since I last saw and talked to him. he offered to send me home but I declined, because.. I'm not a freeloader. If I can make my way home myself, that's what I'll do. and also because it'd be weird. don't ask why. I'm a social retard.

I meant to study after eating, but there's this chinese show on channel 8. it's quite funny. and whatever happened to that Elvin Ng show?! they just stopped halfway? hello?! what nonsense! kay, I need to shit.

2011-09-10T00:37:00.000+08:00

I went over to the boyfriend's place today. in my baju kurung. to meet his mum. I can't remember the last time I was that nervous. boyfriend had depicted his mum to be a 'fierce' one, so can you blame me for feeling that way? but contrary to what boyfriend said about his mum, I find her.. cute. really. was I scared? heck yeah but not because she was fierce. I was actually more afraid of his cats than his mum. we talked a bit, and when I say talk, I mean, she would ask me a question and I'd answer her in a three word sentence. I was too much of a nervous wreck to construct a proper sentence.

but I'm glad I got that done with. I only hope I left a somewhat 'okay-okay' impression on her. and because I am done with revision and am currently bored (and also craving for bubble tea), I'm gonna do a questionnaire. HAHA. just one, I promise. just to make this post look longer.

my name is: seah nur faezah.
this morning i was: I do not know the meaning of 'morning'.
i'm afraid of: cats, ghosts & Uruk-Hai's,
i dream about: the last person I had contact with before I sleep. mostly.

Have You Ever...
pictured your crush naked?: no. but I am now. but my crush doesn't have a head because I dont't have one right now.
been in love: I am now?
cried when someone died: yeah.
lied: no. yeah, that's a lie.
flowers or candy: pasta.
scruff or clean shaven: clean shaven?
tall or short: taller than me.

With The Opposite Sex...
what do you notice first?: obviously his face. this question should really disappear from the face of this Earth.
last person you slow danced with: I've never danced. ever.
worst question to ask: I don't really know.

Who...
makes you laugh the most?: I'm gonna say the TV, even though it cannot be considered as a 'who'.
makes you smile: just about everyone?
gives you a funny feeling when you see them: shukry.
is easier talk to, boys or girls?:kinda depends on the topic, doesn't it.

Do You Ever...
sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you?: you cannot possibly sit on the Internet because it's intangible.
save AIM conversations?: I've never had an AIM account before.
wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: sometimes.
cry because of something someone has said: I think I might have.
pray?: for my friends when they need it.

Have You Ever...
fallen for your best friend?: I've never been gay and never will.
rejected someone:   who hasn't?
cheated on someone: hell no.
been cheated on: I think so.
done something you regretted: again, who hasn't.
wanted to die: yeah.

Who Was The Last Person...
you talked to on the phone: bff.
hugged: boyfriend.
you instant messaged: boyfriend.
you laughed with: retard of a brother.

Do You...
color your hair: I actually hate doing that. I think jet black's perfect.
ever get off the computer: yeah. to earn a living.
habla espanol: I wish.
sprechen sie deutsches: okay I don't know this one. are you asking if I speak Dutch?
fight with your parents: I've never really fought with them. just my mum screaming like a tarzan at me and me keeping quiet. but that was years ago.
have friends you've lost touch with: yeah.
feel happy?: now, no. because I feel a headache stirring in my head.
wish you could fly away.. far, far away?: not that far. just to Korea.
believe in God?: I think I have to.
could you live without the computer?:   yeah. but not without the phone.
what's your favorite candy?:   can't think of one right now.
whats your favorite fruit?: mango. heh.
sunrise or sunset?: sunrise. as in, the coffeebean drink. HAHA.
what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?: emotional. I'd like to think I have a high threshold for physical pain.
trust others way too easily?: by default.

Final Questions...
I want: a plan in life.
I wish: Liang Court had PastaMania.
I love: my family (minus that 26-year old bum), friends and Twinkles.
I miss: my father and Twinkles.
I fear: my own insecurities.
I hear: with my ears?
I smell: with my nose?
I wonder:   why the person who created this isn't creative at all.

2011-09-07T23:26:00.002+08:00

so much for being excited for JB. I napped 6 times there, including the time when we were in the lighting shop. that was a darn good nap I had over there. but I was awoken by Sarifi's snoring. really, snoring in a public place -___-

I don't even know why I napped that much over there. maybe I'm not a morning person. well anyway, when we were at the household shop, Sarifi & I played hide and seek with the woman in blue in the picture below. She was damn annoying. Instead of rendering help to the Bff and Shah, she decided to follow us around, and she very well knew we weren't the ones buying. But did she let me out of her sight? NO. what was she afraid of anyway? That I'd steal a sink or a toilet bowl? Woman, I couldn't even if I wanted to, okay?!

Firstly, I don't think I'm strong enough to carry her damn sink. Secondly, if I was strong enough, what did she think I was going to do? Stroll out of the shop carrying the sink? Yeah, that wouldn't make me look conspicuous at all. geeeeez.

after shopping for the Bff's household stuff, we went to I do not know the name of the shopping centre to find Body Shop. For me. Because I wanted to buy some vanilla perfume for myself. The Body Shop in Singapore stopped selling them for what fuck reason, I do not know. Oh wait, I actually do know this one. It's for the simple yet complex reason that 'all good things will & must come to an end.' Like Macho Mee. oh my god, don't even get me started on Mscho Mee okay?! That was some good childhood snack. damn.

oh wait. I digressed. so anyway, Body Shop wasn't there so we went for dinner instead. now don't blame me if the pictures below ignite your sushi cravings or something okay?

the bill came to about $160++. Haha. But FYI, I'm not a fan of sushi. I only eat the ones with crabmeat, tuna and corn. After dinner, we went to City Square to continue our hunt for Body Shop. I managed to get what I wanted so yeah. It's all good.

Now I'm back home and.. there's nothing to do. well actually there is. I could revise, read a book, watch a movie. but.. I don't feel like doing any of that.

I miss the boyfriend.

2011-09-07T02:07:00.000+08:00

damn. I'm back to being 45kgs. I thought I managed to maintain a constant weight of 48 - 50 kgs but obviously I'm wrong. Not that I'm happy with being 48 - 50 kgs (I'd like to be 55 kgs please) but it seems that the heaviest I can get now is 50 kgs so I can't ask for much. urgh.

now let's pick up from where I left off. was it only last Sunday that I just blogged? feels like it has been a week. Ha ha. the Bff has been sleeping over, since Sunday. and we're going to JB tomorrow. I am a tad excited, for some unknown retarded reason. it's just JB so I don't know why the hell I'm excited.

okay so it turns out, there aren't many things to update. HAHA. see you next time then.
geez, such an inept and unproductive post.

pause the video at 3:36 and drown in Chris Cornell's eyes.

2011-09-04T03:23:00.002+08:00

father has gone back to Medan. and I know home to him isn't what home is to us. Home, to him, is Medan. His work. and Home, to us, is this empty house that he has left.

my mum texted me while I was at work, saying that she could still feel my father as if he were still here. she said the house feels empty without him. would you believe it? my mum, the strongest woman I know, telling me that she misses my father. the same woman, who for my whole life, has never backed down and give up whatever bullshit life throws at her. and today, she finally showed me that even the strongest people break down sometimes.

what do you say when your mother tells you that? it was enough to make me tear at work. I'm not gonna lie. It came as a surprise when my mum texted me what she did. she has never spoken to me about her feelings before, and neither have I to her. it didn't help that my mum and I have trouble communicating. I only talk to her when I have to, like when she asks me a question. I don't know why okay? I really don't. We have an awkward relationship but we're fine.

so tell me, what.do.you.say? how do you provide words of comfort when you yourself are going through the same thing? I remember many years ago when my brother was in primary school, I saw him crying to himself while playing some soccer game on the computer. I know he cried because he missed my father. and I've also seen my mum lock herself in the room and come out with puffy eyes - for the same reason that my brother cried years ago. we all miss him. I want to tell my mum I miss him too but the words just refuse to come out. I want to tell my mum we'll be fine like we have always been for the past 14 years. that as the days go by, we'll miss him less. that my mum's not alone. but damn.

it's just hard knowing that you have a father but he's never there. it's not like we don't have a father. we do. but he's hardly ever there. when was the last time he was around on my birthday? yeah sure, I don't give half a fuck about my birthday but it'd be nice, wouldn't it, if he was there? just once. 14 years, without a father on your birthday. that's 14 years too long.

we're all struggling here.

2011-09-02T22:16:00.008+08:00

today was... tiring. okay, no not really. It's just that I didn't get enough sleep. I was really close to foregoing the day out with my parents because I wanted and needed to sleep but the father's going back tomorrow and if I didn't go, it'd mean lesser time spent with him.

they wanted to check out the IT fair at Suntec. may I just say, Suntec's parking is a fucking pain the rear. We didnt manage to find a parking spot so we ended up parking at Esplanade, which proved to be a good idea after all. There was ample parking space there and it was just a few minutes walk to Suntec.

But before that, we had lunch first.

you can never go wrong with pasta.

their fish & chips.

after that, we began our walk to Suntec. Being the hopeless with directions person that I am, I managed to get us lost. HAHA. well anyway, along the way, there were ... huge ass puppets on display and they looked scary.

especially this one. but my father and I had a good laugh at this one because it looks like my grandmother. HAHA.

to cut the story short, we reached the IT show, bought a digital camera for my father and left. the crowd was rubbish. and they smelled like it too.

I fell asleep in the car and when I woke up, I was momentarily lost because I was somewhere where I'd never seen or been to before. Turns out, I was at Bukit Timah Road. Specifically, at ToTT. No, I don't know what kind of name that is either. Imagine IKEA, but only with baking and cooking stuff. Yeah, that's ToTT.

and just like IKEA, they have their own mini-restaurant too. not too bad. this was the durian tempura we had.

okay obviously this photo belongs up there. tsk.

oh, and look what I found.
why do they always use the IJ uniform? why? we do not represent the whole student population in Singapore, do we?

and this one, I was bored at work. I've done no. 4 & 5. and I'm gonna do no. 1 right after this.

and the other day when the boyfriend fetched me from work, we went for supper at PastaMania. when I say 'we', it's really just me. I ate and he watched. and I didn't even realise he was wearing long pants till we were at the traffic light walking back to the car. and we were wearing the same type of pants. and to top it off, both were of the same colour but different shades of grey. if that wasn't enough, we were both wearing grey tops too -____-

I believe the conversation went like this -

me: we are wearing couple pants!
boyfriend: is there even such a thing as couple pants?!
me: now there is!

I gotta go study now. I could do what I did last term - study last minute. but I've got the time anyway. and I don't really care about my results. I mean, I do. but I don't care enough to be the kind of student who mugs all month long. but I don't wanna see another 'C' in my result slip. One 'C' is enough. yeah, a 'C' is satisfactory but I know that I can do much better than a 'C' so I might as well try to ace it. keyword here is, 'TRY'.

no videos because the photos are enough.

2011-09-02T04:21:00.003+08:00

there are some things that I choose not to forget, and one of them is the fact that my father had to ask my mum why she asked him to come back if we weren't visiting anyone for Raya.

It's hard not to feel offended and hurt. I try, but it's hard. Isn't 'family' a good enough reason for a father to come back? I knew his hotel is important to him but to ask that question was a tad too much than I could take. I wish I wasn't there to hear it. He slogs and slogs for the hotel and what does he get in return? Bullshit. But still he prefers his career over his family.

and I try to be the ideal person I've created in my head but I can't. but put yourself in my shoes and see if you'd have reacted the same way I did. It's either one party has somehow done something to allow it to happen, or the other party's just a plain slut, really. it's either one, or both. either way, I'm trying not to brood over it.

IT Fair with my parents tmr. If I hadn't initiated it, I'd just be staying home. It'd be a waste of off day and also a waste of my father's trip back home. If he doesn't treasure it, I do. God knows when I'll be able to see him again.

the night didn't end as well as most nights did, but I'm satisfied still.

2011-08-30T04:18:00.002+08:00

yay! it's Raya... NOT!
this is how I feel about Hari Raya: -_______-
yeah. I'm sorry if I'm such a party pooper or wet blanket or whatever it is you think I am.
but I'll enjoy Hari Raya once again when everything is back to how it was a decade ago.
speaking of which, I miss my late aunt. I still mean it when I said I'd trade my life for hers.

the good thing about Raya this year? the 6354 bottles of soft drinks my mum bought. she might have bought it for guests but hell, in my head, they're all for me. each and every one of them. oh, and the father's coming back, albeit by Batam -__- maybe he wasn't kidding when he said flights were all booked. I thought it was just an excuse for him not to come back. but instead, he proved me wrong and now he's even taking the long route home. I can't wait to see him.

and speaking of proving me wrong, the boyfriend has at times proved me wrong too. not that he knows. well, actually now he will if he's reading this. many times I tell myself that he's just another typical guy blah blah blah. but he goes around and prove me wrong anyway. he's a keeper, this one.

Shiqin Spaz very kindly delivered two tubs of honey cornflakes to my doorstep this afternoon. I've 2, or 3 tubs that the bff and I made plus boyfriend's mum's tub plus Shiqin's two tubs. that would make it 5 tubs? and I haven't even included Zaimah's share. HAHA. are you jealous yet, Hayley?

my headaches left me alone for a few days. but it's back. damn. to hell with it.

I'll be working later, so I'm half-relieved that I don't have to get involved in all the chaos of Hari Raya. the other half? the food. I'm gonna miss out on the food. and I wanna go to my aunt's house because she has pasta every year! urgh.

and I had to be the host at work just now. sucked balls. this Chinese twat came and demanded to sit at the only smoking table available. too bad for him, it was reserved. for the Boss's brother-in-law. I don't know if his slit eyes were too small but the Chinese twat didn't see the reserve tag and pulled up a chair. I ever so politely told him that the table was reserved, only to have him yell, "SO NO SMOKING TABLE?!" I said no and Chinese twat asked the same question again. Seriously, what did he expect me to do? Give up the reservation meant for Boss's brother-in-law? "Here, have a seat, bad breath. I'll just explain to the guy who owns this restaurant and the one who pays me my salary that your yellow Chinese ass demanded for a seat that has been reserved for his brother-in-law because that won't get me into any bit of trouble at all." but of course instead, I said, "yeah, what you gonna do right? IT'S RESERVED." so Chinese twat just gave me a dirty look with his slit eyes and sat at another table.

PRICK.

I only had to handle 4 tables and all 4 tables gave me attitude. what gives?

I'm gonna go read a book now. goodnight, even though it's 4.44am now.

2011-08-27T03:58:00.004+08:00

the Bff has been staying over the past three days so that would explain my lack of updates here. I did tell you we had some serious baking to do anyway.

here are some pictures:

caramelised hardened sugar. obviously, something went wrong somewhere.

and this, is Bff's burnt cookies. In her husband's exact words, "Is that shit?" damn mean right. HAHA.

yeah. that's about it.
do you have any idea anyway how tiring it is to put the cornflakes into the tiny cups?! UGH.

well anyway, exams are coming up in about 2 weeks.
I'm planning on studying because a 'C', even though good enough for me, somehow doesn't seem nice to the eyes.

I also told you that my brother took my tv to watch soccer in my mum's room right? the boyfriend was kind enough to bring over his old tv so that I can either use it in my own room or put it in my mum's room so I can have my beloved tv back. I told my brother that I bought a new tv that cost $399 at an IT Fair and he believed me. He even followed me back to my room to check it out. HAHA. |_oser.

the Bff had a hospital appointment at 4pm today at NUH. but seeing as to how tired we were from baking, she cancelled her appointment. plus, we slept late anyway. I snoozed my alarm from 10am all the way to 3pm. way to go, noob.

I'm not looking forward to working for the next four days in a row. r e a l l y n o t l o o k i n g f o r w a r d t o i t a t a l l . the customers better be worth my stinking time. ftw.

2011-08-23T02:40:00.005+08:00

Thursday would be my uncle's last day at the restaurant. I guess I am a bit sad that he won't be around. But if everything goes well, I'll be joining him at his new place.

I've come to realise that for the most part of my life, I've always been 'protected'. There's always someone looking out for me wherever I go. For my work life, I've always had my uncle to look out for me. In ICA, it was my cousin. I remember telling someone, "Aliff is my cousin." and the guy said something like, "oh okay. so there's someone taking care of you here." As for my personal life, I always had and still have that group of friends who protect me. You know who you are.

With my uncle gone, I hope I'll be fine. There's Imran, who occasionally looks out for me. So I hope it won't be that bad.

I'm just blessed and thankful that I have these people in my life.

The Bff is here now. She's sleeping over for today and the next 2 nights. We've got some serious baking to do for the next few days.

well anyway,

2011-08-23T02:09:00.002+08:00

finally, my conscience is clear. In order to prepare the boyfriend's present, I had no choice but to lie to him about some stuff. I gave him his present and came clean about the lies I told. Now I can sleep peacefully.

and my brother has no life. for the past few days, every time I see him, he'll be facing his laptop. watching what? the Korean variety show, 2 Days 1 Night. I honestly don't recall him doing anything else at home. even when he's watching soccer on TV, he still has that show on YouTube.

and speaking of YouTube, remember when I used to hate it? as in, really really hate it. I practically boycotted YouTube. I'm not sure of the reason why but it was most probably because YouTube was overrated then. and who likes overrated stuff? back then, when anyone gave me a link to watch a video on YouTube, I really would have preferred to leave the house, take the lift down, walk to one of the many grass patches below and watch grass grow. you'd have to be pretty special if you wanted me to watch a video on YouTube.

anyway, while waiting for the boyfriend just now in school, Darren made me look at his brother's pictures just so I could compare the both of them and conclude who was more good-looking. It was, for the record - his brother. He's a modell, what did you expect? I told Darren anyway that he's gay because he had many pictures of this particular Korean singer, Tae Yang. and the guy got the same exact hairstyle as the Korean dude. So he in turn, called me a lesbian. Just because I'm not girlish and stuff. True, Darren. But you don't see any pictures of some female celebrity in my phone and also try to mimick her hairstyle, do you?

and then after that came the unavoidable issue. Darren said, "Actually ah, you can be very pretty know. You just need to go for a makeover. Why you don't want ah?" Yeah, that issue. So I told him, "for what." and really, FOR WHAT. why does anyone need to be pretty? to please other people and their eyes? I'll be pretty if I want to. For myself, not for others. and obviously Darren thought my "for what." was a question, because he answered, "just to look pretty laaaa." so I told him my theory - "it's okay lor. no need to look pretty what. if someone likes me when I look ugly, then he'll surely like me when I look pretty what."
now blink if you agree with me.
thank you.

I don't know what I'm gonna do now. watch 2 Days 1 Night? HAHA.

2011-08-22T14:03:00.003+08:00

I never meant to wake up this early. and yes, this is considered early to me. my blackberry's currently giving me problems. something about the media card. my mind will not be at peace till it's fixed.

i should take this opportunity to go watch Nickelodeon. what am I doing here?

2011-08-21T01:36:00.002+08:00

I keep seeing ICA people everywhere I go. is the ICA community that big? tsk.

I had an unproductive day today. skipped work and stayed home. watched A Series Of Unfortunate Events and Hello Ghost. and Hello Ghost, FYI, is a Korean movie. and I had to watch it without subtitles. It's a good thing Koreans are very expressive with their facial expressions and actions. At least I could roughly make out what was going on.

I just came back from supper with the Bff & Shah & Nurul. didn't really stay too long because Nurul couldn't be home late.

I was bored outta my freaking mind just now so I added a little detail about me on Facebook. I added 'Elven' into my languages because I'm such a delusional person. If only I was a character from Lord Of The Rings. Life would be gooooood.

The Useless a.k.a Seah Nur Fadilah had a friend over yesterday. I do not know where she found the audacity to introduce me to her friend as her 'sister'. Firstly, I do not wish to be introduced, thank you very much. and secondly, did I not make it clear enough when she went on a marriage-crushing rampage that I do not ever want to talk to her, be anywhere near her or even see her face. My mum may have forgiven her but never will I. You do not fuck around with my parents' marriage and get away with it. If I could remove the fact that we're related by blood, trust me, I would do that in a quarter of a second. Get that? Don't ever introduce me as your 'sister' again.

I'd end my post here but.. kinda abrupt, don't you think? wait. let me find a video.

there you go. I like how music videos have evolved. just like this one.

2011-08-20T10:04:00.002+08:00

so maybe eating ice cream at 4 in the morning wasn't such a good idea after all. the stomachache that came with it isn't worth it. and look at the time. I'm only awake because I had to take a dump. shall go back to sleep after this.

whatever plan I had of accompanying the Bff to her hospital appointment yesterday didn't fall through. Because being the genius that I am, I set the alarm for 7pm instead of 7am. So when boyfriend called me at 8am, I thought I was dreaming. and when I realised I wasn't, I took quite some time to pick up because I was wondering why he was calling. We rarely call each other. very rarely. we are very reliant on BBM. so anyway, back to the story, I finally picked up his call and was told it was 8am. bloody hell. so I whatsapped Bff and she said that she'd meet me after her appointment. I didn't expect her appointment to last for 6 hours though (seriously?!). but at least I got more sleep. by the time she was done, she was too tired to meet me. so I just went out to buy groceries at Lot One.

After which, I went to school and met boyfriend for supper. We went to Cineleisure's PastaMania. and may I just say, I COULD EAT MARINARA EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I KID YOU NOT. that thing tastes so damn good!

and the other day, my mum asked me if I wanted to go to Bogor to do something about my headaches. she claimed that she had a massage there and they did something to her vein and now she doesn't get headaches anymore. I cannot take her word for it because she's the kind who'd tell you anything and everything is good. But it's worth a try, right? next thing I knew, flight ticket's all booked. wanna guess when we're going? NEXT YEAR MAY. I feel that I've the right to say - asdfghjklzxcvbnm. okay?

damn this stomachache.

did I tell you my father spells 'motorbike' as 'motor bite'? there is really no end to his madness.

I'm gonna go back to sleep now.

2011-08-19T03:05:00.006+08:00

my day was made up of a lot of retarded moments today.

first, I witnessed a PRC trying to converse with an Indian man. In Mandarin. I swear you cannot get any more retarded than that. What exactly was the PRC thinking? First, you don't like it when they cook curry and now you're talking to them like Mandarin's a universal language. you do not own the world, PRC.

second, while at work, a Caucasian man had to ask me what potato wedges are. how do you explain what potato wedges are anyway? there isn't really an explanation for potato wedges because EVERYONE knows what they are! so I told him, "um.. it's like french fries. only in a wedge form." If not knowing what potato wedges are wasn't enough, he made me draw one. seriously, dude? but I drew one anyway. looked more like a half-moon, if you ask me. HAHA. and that wasn't the end of it. the dude then proceeded to ask me what a baked potato was.

now, it wouldn't take a genius to guess what a 'baked potato' is. and you do not tell me that a Caucasian does not know the meaning of the word 'baked' and that he has never seen a damned potato (I just said 'potato' in my head like Sam the Hobbit would say it. HAHA) in his damned life. all he had to do, was put two and two together.

I don't know under which pineapple he has been living under, but this guy has got to get out more. and just for the record, my explanation for 'baked potato' was, "uh. a potato that's baked?"

and after work, while I was walking to where the boyfriend always waits for me, I passed by a Trishaw Ah Pek who had just picked up a Caucasian man. He ever so enthusiastically greeted the Caucasian with a, "Welcome to Singapore!!", only to have the Caucasian reply flatly, "No. I live here." HAHA. that was some funny shit.

anyway, here's a bad quality video of Sam Gamgee saying 'poh-tay-toes'. it's at the 0:26 mark.

the boyfriend (I'll never get sick of referring to him as 'boyfriend'. HAHA.) and I had Nasi Lemak at Boon Lay. I, for some really unknown reason, craved for Nasi Lemak. Which was weird. Because I hate rice. and I've always hated Nasi Lemak only since FOREVER. but well, when have I not been weird anyway.

I've to be up early later to accompany the Bff to her hospital appointment. I'm gonna have to wake up at 7 plus in the morning. damn.

oh yah. I know I said I'd upload a screen capture of a conversation I had with the bf, but ... scrap that. haha. I shall spare the bf for now. it's the least I could do right, for being the amazing person that he is.

I got a free $100. haha. okay not quite. just that I came home to a green packet and there was $100 inside. I've no idea who it's from. The most likeliest suspect would be my mum but my mum doesn't usually do this. What she does is, on Hari Raya itself, she'll say, "Nah." and shove whatever amount she intends to give to us. so I really don't think it came from my mum. but I also really don't care who it's from. :D

2011-08-18T14:13:00.004+08:00

I'm sorry for yesterday's episode. I kinda thought I had everything under control but I was wrong. the last time it happened, I talked to Shiqin so yesterday when it happened again, she was the first person I went to. thanks Spaz. and congratulations on passing your TP thing :D

this time I didn't know what to fight it with, hence the panic attack. it sucks really. at 4.30am, Shukry had to reassure me of everything. I was actually kinda expecting him to be pissed and be all, "get over your issues already!" if he ever found out. well, he did find out anyway and talked me out of it.

the best part? knowing what a massive mess I can be but still sticking around. and for that, thank you. and um.. I love you too (I can already hear my friends laughing).

I actually have a nice screen capture of part of our conversation the other day. I'll upload it another day. he's gonna kill me. HAHA.

Morrison' gonna die soon if I don't change his water now. okay no, that was a lie. the truth is, I wanna continue rolling around in bed. old habits die hard. I set my alarm an hour earlier just so I can waste an hour rolling around in bed. heh.

but anyway, here's a video to end the post.

2011-08-17T15:57:00.005+08:00

I just dreamed a quite disturbing dream. It was a dream but the dream consisted of bits and pieces of flashbacks and memories. my brain had very nicely took its time to construct a freaking PowerPoint presentation of my memories. what's the matter, brain? running low on creativity that you can't conjure up your own dreams without using my materials? fucker.

but the exasperating thing about dreams is that, it affects you even after you wake up. I don't know about you, but it affects me. I've never been the kind who just shrugs it off and get on with my day. I let it bother me and think of why I even dream such dreams. I'm paranoid like that.

the dream reminded me of how we drifted apart - we were practically strangers, weren't we? we stopped talking and didn't even bother trying, even though we were right beside each other. it reminded me of the time when you said that I was trying to literally buy your love. maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. we had it good but somewhere along the way, something happened (or didn't) and things just stopped to a halt and we were stuck.

do you have any idea how painful it was to be in a relationship but still feel alone? I cannot even begin to describe it. you cry yourself to sleep. you grab your chest because you can feel your heart aching whenever you think about it.

if you asked me to choose between this particular relationship (NOT the one I'm in right now) and the one before that, I'd choose the latter. because I assure you, getting slapped, punched, pinched, kicked and choked hurts lesser. you can trust me on that.

and now, the dream has got me worrying about stuff. what if history repeats itself? what if we drift apart and become strangers? especially when the people around me are experiencing some bump in their relationships. what if he wakes up one day and realises I'm not as great as he thought I was? what if he decides that he misses someone from his past and would rather be with her?

because I think that's what happened in the last one. we were too caught up in things and then one day, BAM. he got tired of me. and began to block me out. and there I was, holding on to someone that wasn't there anymore. if it's one thing relationships have taught me, it's that if your partner wants to leave/stray, they will. there's nothing you can do to stop them. nothing.

now I'm scared. terrified even. I just hope... nevermind.

three cheers to my paranoia.

2011-08-17T02:08:00.002+08:00

came to work to good news; it was Eddie Scumbag's last day. good luck to his future employers and colleagues, man. the guy's the father of all bastards.

had supper with the BFF and Shah after work. can't wait for them to shift house. I'm gonna take a cardboard box and slide down the stairs till my butt's sore. I'm donating my beanbag chair to them. I hope my room will look less cluttered without it. it's still new, you know. I can count the number of times I've sat on it. I don't even know why I got my mum to get it for me. nonsense.

I'm still hoping that my father will get to come back. I know whatever chance he has of coming back is pretty much next to nothing, but there's a small part of me that's still hoping. I don't know when he'll be let off from his boss's grasp. his boss will bring him to trips to Malaysia and other parts of Indonesia BUT HE WILL NOT ALLOW MY FATHER TO COME BACK HOME. what exactly is your problem, you short ugly jerk? the hotel's like a bloody jail. cunt.

I possess quite a lot of my father's characteristics actually. we both have motion sickness. and just like my father, I'm afraid to speak up and stand up for myself. We tolerate other people's nonsense but complain non-stop about it to other people. that's just who we are. I think I understand sometimes but even I would walk away from it all if I had a boss that seems to be the spawn of Satan. I hope his boss dies a really horrible death. I don't even care if that isn't a nice thing to say. nice words are for nice people.

I'm gonna learn how to download books into the ipod now.
I don't even know why y'all still read my blog. I really don't. HAHA.

2011-08-16T14:42:00.002+08:00

This is random but, I'm not a morning person.

I don't wake up in the mornings. I don't talk in the mornings. I can't really eat in the mornings. I remember back then when I was still working in ICA, some nice travellers would come to the counter and be all, "GOOD MORNING!!" You know what I'd do? Smirk. That was the most reaction anyone would get out of me. yeah, I know they're just being nice and all, but really, I HATE MORNINGS. how some people can be so damned active in the mornings is beyond me.

and of course when I told this to a colleague in ICA, she chose to irritate me every morning after that. yeah, should have just kept my mouth shut. she'd walk to me, face me square in the face and grin, and then say, "GOOD MORRRRRRNING FAEZAH!". I had to resist the urge to hit her head with my chop box.

does your backbone protrude, by the way? mine does. and it's annoying. I gotta go bathe in a while. so so lazy to go to work. urghhhhh.

2011-08-15T20:11:00.002+08:00

you know the headaches/migraines that I get on a daily basis? turns out, they aren't migraines. If the article below is true, then I am suffering from cluster headaches. FTW.

Cluster headaches occur in cyclical patterns or clusters — which gives the condition its name. Cluster headache is one of the most painful types of headache. Cluster headache is sometimes called the "alarm clock headache" because it commonly awakens you in the middle of the night with intense pain in or around the eye on one side of your head.

Bouts of frequent attacks — known as cluster periods — may last from weeks to months, usually followed by remission periods when the headache attacks stop completely. During remission, no headaches occur for months and sometimes even years.

Fortunately, cluster headache is rare and not life-threatening. Treatments can help make cluster headache attacks shorter and less severe. In addition, preventive medications can help reduce the number of cluster headaches.

The pain of a cluster headache is often described as sharp, penetrating or burning. People with this condition say that the pain feels like a hot poker being stuck in the eye or that the eye is being pushed out of its socket. People with cluster headache appear restless, preferring to pace or sit and rock back and forth to soothe the attack. In contrast to people with migraine, people with cluster headache usually avoid lying down during an attack because this position seems to increase the pain.

Some migraine-like symptoms, including nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, and aura, may occur with a cluster headache, though usually on one side.

Cluster period characteristics
A cluster period generally lasts from six to 12 weeks. The starting date and the duration of each cluster period may be consistent from period to period. For example, cluster periods may occur seasonally, such as every spring or every fall.

Most people have episodic cluster headaches, which means the cluster headaches occur for one week to a year, followed by a pain-free remission period that may last as long as six to 12 months before another cluster headache develops. Chronic cluster periods may continue for more than a year, or pain-free periods may last less than one month.

During a cluster period:

Headaches typically occur every day, sometimes several times a day.
A single attack may last from 15 minutes to two hours.
The attacks happen often at the same time within each 24-hour day.
The majority of attacks occur at night, usually one to two hours after you go to bed.

The pain usually ends as suddenly as it begins, with rapidly decreasing intensity. After attacks, most people are completely free from pain, but exhausted.

The exact cause of cluster headaches is unknown, but abnormalities in the hypothalamus likely play a role. Cluster attacks typically occur with clocklike regularity during a 24-hour day, and the cycle of cluster periods often follows the seasons of the year. These patterns suggest that the body's biological clock is involved. In humans, the biological clock is located in the hypothalamus, which lies deep in the center of your brain. Abnormalities of the hypothalamus may explain the timing and cyclical nature of cluster headache. Studies have detected increased activity in the hypothalamus during the course of a cluster headache.

Unlike migraine and tension headache, cluster headache generally isn't associated with triggers, such as foods, hormonal changes or stress. But once a cluster period begins, consumption of any alcohol can quickly trigger a splitting headache. For this reason, many people with cluster headache avoid alcohol for the duration of a cluster period. Other possible triggers include the use of medications such as nitroglycerin, a drug used to treat heart disease.

Risk factors for cluster headaches include:

Gender. Men are more likely to have cluster headaches.
Age. Most people with cluster headaches first develop the disorder in their late 20s, although the condition can develop at any age.
Smoking. Many people who get cluster headache attacks are smokers.
Alcohol use. Alcohol can trigger an attack if you're at risk of cluster headache.
A family history. If a parent or sibling has ever had a cluster headache, you may have an increased risk of cluster headaches.

The best part?

There's no cure for cluster headaches. The goal of treatment is to help decrease the severity of pain, shorten the headache period and prevent the attacks.

Because the pain of a cluster headache comes on suddenly and may subside within a short time, over-the-counter pain relievers such as aspirin or ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others) aren't effective. The headache is usually gone before the drug starts working. Fortunately, other types of acute medication can provide some pain relief.

that's nice. so.. when will this go away?

2011-08-15T19:58:00.002+08:00

I am freezing to death. I really have no idea how my classmates can tolerate being in a room this cold. and I've to be here for another two hours. damn.

I think I need to spring clean my links. shiqin spaz, if you're reading this, can you leave your link at the tagboard? HAHA. thanks, spaz.

I cannot wait for my exam break. freeeeeedom!

I hope my father will be home for Raya. well, I don't really care about Hari Raya actually. But I hope my father will be back. my mum told me that his boss won't allow him to come back. another reason to hate that bastard. the only time he allows my father to come back is when he has to renew his visa or some administrative stuff. DUDE, THE MAN HAS A FAMILY. and for once, I'd like him to be there for my birthday. don't get me wrong - I still hate birthdays. but when was the last time he was around for my birthday, really? it's been more than a fucking decade. I try to understand his commitment to his work but sometimes, it just seems.. fucked up.

whatever. I'm gonna google something now.

2011-08-14T04:52:00.002+08:00

i wanna sleep but the thing that usually puts me to sleep isn't here. and that thing, just FYI, is my tv. my brother borrowed my tv to watch soccer. in my mum's room. i've no idea when it'll be back. but on second thoughts, maybe i don't need the tv tonight since i'm already kinda sleepy.

i went for supper with my colleagues at Newton just now. under normal circumstances, i wouldn't have agreed to tag along but my uncle's leaving amd this would probably be the last time we had supper together as a whole group. of course Eddie Scumbag got drunk. when has he not been drunk, really? the guy is an alcoholic living in denial.

okay i'm falling asleep. heh.
tbc then.

2011-08-13T03:45:00.002+08:00

you can't run away from memories. you can push them away for as long as you may, but they'll catch up someday, one day. some places, things, people and words are bound to make you remember awful things you don't want to remember. memories are what we're all partly made of and the thing is, it's embedded in us. you can't remove it - unless of course you're suffering from some disease or concussion.

but you know what helps though? talking about it. well, not just talking about it but also the fact that you're able to talk about it in the first place. It's quite a leap for me to be able to do that. Prior to this, I'd locked them inside my head and ignored their existence. In other words, I lived in denial because doing that is much more easier than living in the real world.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, okay well i don't really know what I'm trying to say actually. HAHA. I guess it's that I think I'm finally accepting my memories for what it is - just memories. Nothing more, nothing less.

I've to wake up earlier than usual later in the afternoon just to go to the clinic. Gotta get the headaches and migraines checked... for the 25497th time. I know what they're gonna say and what medicine they're gonna prescribe me. But I'm still going anyway.

It sucks, this migraines. Most of the time, they're predictable. I can guess what time I'll be getting it. But then other times, they just hit with no warning. they should have bloody neon lights display to warn me. it's the least they could do anyway for making my daily life intolerable. Okay, now I'm exaggerating. I can tolerate them - 99% of the time, at least. I've been having it almost daily anyway so I'd be a noob to let it bother me.

okay, 4a.m. gonna eat.

I HAVE BEEN FASTING FOR TEN DAYS. when was the last time I even fasted for two days? HAHA. you guys better prepare that 4791 tubs of Honey Cornflakes for me :D

2011-08-12T06:34:00.002+08:00

hi hello hey. look at the time. i can't sleep! even Family Guy can't lull me to sleep. what am i to do? hopeless.

I've class later on and i'm not looking forward to it. and I don't see any reason why I should too. I mean, would you? If your lecturer sounds like freaking Zaibo and slangs like an American? the latter wouldn't be too bad but geez! the man needs to lose his Malay accent if he wants to slang! I swear he's such a sore to my ears!

you know, if you knew me well enough, you'd notice that I actually use exclamation marks now. look at the paragraph above. Usually I'd have just used a fullstop in place of an exclamation mark. but now.. hmmmm.

Eddie stole my Mee Siam at work. that scum is seriously the lowest form of... cow dung. but whatever. my bad days are always saved by my favourite part of the day - Shukry. no matter how shitty my day begins, it always ends beautifully - all thanks to him.

I'm still not sleepy what the hell okay?

2011-08-11T16:41:00.003+08:00

you know, if ever i were to migrate, my ideal destination would be Korea.

random thought.

i'm blogging this via my blackberry and it feels quite retarded.

2011-08-10T13:40:00.003+08:00

see the links to my archives on your right? don't you think you could so some surfing on that? they look like waves. HAHA.

anyway, I'm just about done with my group project. just sent everything out to Matthew for printing. I also managed to get a 4-hour sleep, something which I thought I wouldn't be getting, given the amount of workload I had just 12 hours ago. that's where Shukry came into the picture. He helped me with my assignment and that alone saved me a whole lot of time... and misery. yeah, he's amazing like that (:

the 'thing' that developed out of nowhere on Morrison's head has been growing. Half the time when I look at him, I've to fight the urge to grab the bowl and pour everything into the toilet bowl and flush it away. I should just get a dog already.

this blog lacks pictures, doesn't it? hold on...

and there you go.

see that? that's my father. and I miss him.

2011-08-08T19:57:00.004+08:00

told you I'd be back.

I'm doing quite well, given the fact that I didn't get my usual 12-hour sleep. I'm proud to say.. I have evolved.

okay, you know what I miss? doing those questionnaires I always did on Friendster. but anyway, let me introduce you to my current celebrity crush.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH!

how can you not drown in his blue eyes, really?! he's the first reason as to why I can't wait for The Avengers to be released! and of course, the second reason being Edward Norton. HEH. But i don't really like The Hulk though.

I'm freezing to death. BYE.

2011-08-08T11:29:00.002+08:00

holy crap, it's almost 12pm. I stayed up to complete my assignment which will be due in approximately 7 hours. but I finished that 3 hours ago and I'm supposed to be asleep. well, keyword here is 'supposed'.

I know it's been quite some time since I really blogged. can't say I wasn't tempted to delete this blog. I couldn't. I think its the memories that it holds; both the bad and the good. and also because, this blog has been my listening ear for years. deleting this would be like throwing a good friend away. well bottom line is, I just didn't have the heart to. I love you okay, blog? I'm sorry I left you to collect dust. I'll try to visit you more often.

after all this time, you would have thought I'd have changed. but no, I realised yesterday that I'm still the same weak person that I've been for the past years. I still let people walk all over me. heck, screw the 'walk'. I let them trample and jump on me like I'm a fucking trampoline! I'm still too much of a coward to tell the truth. I still care too much about how other people feel. I still put others before me. aaaaaaaand, I still have my 'issues'. my demonic and unforgiving issues. but there's a little difference now. where I used to succumb to the 'issues', I now fight it. yes, I, the timid moron that I am, now refuse to let my 'issues' take control. yeah sure, I still get those nervous attacks that come from nowhere. but I try not to let those negativity bog me down. why the change? let's just say I found someone special enough to make me want to be a better person.

I'm still not talking to my sister. haven't been for months and I'd like to keep it that way for as long as either of us lives. my mother has begun to talk to her. I don't even know how she can even do that - continue talking to someone who admits to being proud of causing damage to a marriage. and I know that my parents are only together because of us. maybe I've a heart of stone but whatever, really. when it comes to fights between my parents, I get really sensitive about it. god knows why. or maybe he doesn't.

by the way, I murdered my goldfishes. well, not really. they just died under my care so... Yim and Shukry took the liberty to label me a 'goldfish killa'. -_____- really. Spencer, LL Cool J and Bradley Cooper all died one after another. I'm only left with Morrison. If Morrison dies, I'll be damn sad. Spencer was the best though. I miss that stupid fish.

you know, I'd continue but I'm getting sleepy. I promise I'll be back soon.
goodnighternoon,

2011-07-14T05:58:00.002+08:00

It's always easier to take the easy way out.
to succumb to the demons inside and the cruel thoughts they instill in you.
I feed them, and they bite me back.

but not anymore.
It ends here, I hope.

no, I'm not perfect.
and yes, I let them consume me at times.
but I swear this time, I'm gonna work on myself.

because everyone deserves a better me.
right?

2011-06-15T22:42:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry for being too much of a coward.

2011-05-30T19:45:00.002+08:00

well, hello.

I'm only here because this lecturer is on a mission to make me die of boredom.
today's the last class of the term, by the way.
so, good riddance, group projects and assignments.
I'll see you again in a month's time -____-

so anyway, I ate like a starving castaway just now.
in the past hour, I've eaten a chicken burger, seafood tempura and a packet of Kinder Bueno.
it's not much but that's a lot of food consumption for an hour.

oh well. I'm gonna find something to do now.
anything except listen to the lecturer.

2011-05-21T02:38:00.001+08:00

"Can you help me out?
Can you lend me a hand?
It's safe to say that
I'm stuck again

Trapped between this life and the light
I just can't figure out
How to make it right

A thousand times before
I've wondered if there's something more
Something more...

I feel it's gonna rain like this for days
So let it rain down and wash everything away
I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine
With every tomorrow comes another life

I feel it's gonna rain
For days and days
I feel it's gonna rain

I tried to figure out
I can't understand
What it means to live on again

Trapped between the truth and the consequence
Nothings real
Nothings making sense

A thousand times before
I've wondered if there's something more
Something more."

2011-05-21T01:41:00.001+08:00

the only promises I break are the ones I made to myself.
I wish I had more self-worth.

2011-05-10T00:05:00.002+08:00

I'm a boring person.
NO, REALLY.

I'd rather stay home and watch cartoons than step out of the house and do fun things.
That's just how I am.

I choose to be boring.
I like being boring.

you know.. just FYI.

2011-05-04T20:02:00.002+08:00

Nothing sucks greater than seeing your family being torn apart right in front of you.

I admit, I'm not close to my mum. If you know me well enough, you'd know that I only talk to her when there's a need to. But that's not saying that I hate her or anything, because I don't. It's just how I am.. how we are. There's always this awkwardness when I'm alone with her and it's something that I can never explain. I'd like to think that my relationship with her turned out this way because when my brother and I were young, our late aunt was the one who took care of us. Not my mum. Since I was a toddler till the end of Primary school. The rapport that I shared with my late aunt is something that can never happen between me and my mum.

Do I hate my mum for leaving us under the care of my late aunt? I did. But I don't now. I understand now that she did what she did because she only wanted the best for us. Both my parents were working shifts. We would have starved at home. Lately, just recently, I realized just how difficult it is to be her.

My bitch of a sister and I have put her through shit. A whole lot of it. I'm more than happy that my brother didn't turn out like the useless elder sisters that we are. What good have I done for this family, really? I've only ever made my parents worry about my well-being.

I let myself be a personal punching bag to a douchebag. After about a year of being someone's punching bag, I managed to walk away from it. I thought I was lucky enough because my parents were in the dark about it. But somehow, because some people just can't seem to mind their own business, they found out. My father sent me messages that would make a grown man cry, I swear to God. He apologised for not being able to be there to protect me. I couldn't talk to him for while because I felt like such a disappointment to him.

This is the only time that I'm going to air my dirty laundry to everyone reading this. Both my parents had affairs and you have no idea how true it is when they say that when parents fight, it's the children who suffer. They were flinging glasses at each other and my mum would force me to go to the playground or something while they fought. Now that you know of their affairs, you should also know that they are still together. Somehow, they got through it.

My father has been working overseas since I was 9. He comes back twice a year for about a week at most. I can't explain why I'm much closer to my father even though he's miles away. I can tell him anything and everything (except some personal stuff). He's sort of my hero although every year on my birthday, I hate him for not being there. I understand his commitment towards his work but it just takes a toll sometimes. I can't even remember the last time I got to celebrate my birthday with him in the picture. Not that I like celebrating birthdays in the first place but you know, it'd be nice to have him around just once.

My younger brother is the only person I talk to nowadays. Between the fights amongst my parents and my fights with the bitch of a sister, I somehow grew closer to him. I'm proud of him, for not being even half the screw-up that his sisters are. But sometimes, I feel sad for him because whatever he's studying now will be his future career path and his future career path is not what he wants. He said he took the course that he's taking only because my mum told him to. If he had a choice, he'd want to be a chef. I haven't told him this yet, but I think my mum was right in asking him to take up Aerospace. After he's done with his studies, he'll serve the nation. The thing is, he can still pursue his interests after that. With his qualification, at least he'll have a back up. Well, at least he has ambitions.

I stopped talking to my sister a while back. When we do, it's really rare that we talk nicely. My reason for not talking to her? She's pathetic. I've absolutely no respect for her AT ALL. For a 26 year old, she has got to be the most useless piece of rat's shit I've ever come across. I cannot believe we even share the same genes. She was never much of a sister to begin with, really. That's why i despise it when she pulls out the 'elder sister' card. I don't know when she's ever going to realize that neither me nor my brother look upon her as the 'elder sister' anymore. I don't know about my brother but I lost all respect for her years ago. Believe me, if I could disown her, I would. But since I can't, I had to resort to disowning her on Facebook. I don't want to be related to someone like her; someone who's proud of the destruction she has caused to this household.

Who's left to pick up the pieces of the aftermath? I can definitely tell you it's not her because she has left for Malaysia with her friends. I hope she'll do me the favour of not coming back.

I can pick up the pieces. I can. But at this point of time, I'm not sure if I have what it takes to glue it back together. My father won't stop messaging me. I wish I could provide him with words of comfort but I don't know what to say anymore. I can't figure out who my mum is more mad at, the pathetic excuse for a human being or my father. Mark my words; if/when this dies down, know that i'll never forgive that pathetic excuse for a human being for what she's done and said. This may sound childish coming from a 24 year old but I hate you, Seah Nur Fadilah and I always will. You're a pathetic whore and that's all you'll ever be.

This is why I'm not going to have a family of my own. I may talk or joke about it but deep inside, I know what I want. Or rather, what I don't want and what I don't want is a family of my own. I don't want to fight. I don't want my kids to suffer. I don't want to have to forgive and forget. I don't want to be hit at anymore. I don't want any of it.

You know when they say that some people enter your life for a reason and you wouldn't be where you are today without them? Screw that. You have no idea how untrue it is.

This is the first time I'm saying this out loud to everyone. Fadli Dzulamin, you are that one person I could have done without. I am in no way thankful for your presence in my life. If I had it my way, you wouldn't even have been a part of it. NOT EVEN THE PAST. I tell myself that I was naive and stupid when I was with you but it still doesn't do me any justification. I'm still not happy with myself that I let a monster like you be a part of me. Did it feel good when you punched me till my nose bled? Did it feel even better when you slapped me till my ears started ringing? I don't know if I told you this but do you know I was momentarily deaf after you did that? Did it make you feel more like a man every single time you laid your hands on me? But did it feel good though when I kicked you in the fucking balls? That must have hurt, huh.

Even after all these years, you'd think the repercussion of it all would have ceased by now. Well, it hasn't. It's really no surprise that the dreams I have of you are always about you hitting me. Just how fucked up is it that you continue to haunt me even after all these years? I really hope you've stopped being the monstrous liar that you are. Stop sponging off money from other people, stop telling girls that you only have a year to live (i only wish this was true), stop being the useless person that you were and lastly, stop hitting people.

It's only because of you that I'm this way now. I could have lived a better life instead. But I'm not blaming you entirely. After all, you wouldn't have been a part of my life if I hadn't let you. Do you think that after what you put me through, I'd be dumb enough to accept your request on Facebook? Really? What were you thinking trying to befriend me over and over again? You belong in the past, so do me a favour and stay there.

I can never look in the mirror and not feel ugly because of you.

2011-03-21T02:29:00.002+08:00

i love the lyrics to the song.

and yeah okay, I love AJ too.

2011-03-16T18:00:00.001+08:00

i think i'm gonna ditch this blog for a while.

I don't even know what to blog about anymore.

2011-02-13T03:10:00.002+08:00

found out some things I shouldn't have.

now I don't know what to do with it.

23 years later, I'm still the mat that you can step on.

I don't even know what to blog about anymore.

there's nothing emptier than a person without ambitions.

and

that's

me.

2011-01-20T20:30:00.002+08:00

""I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to read these stories and they're just coming up on the teleprompter they don't know what's coming up. and they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. "There were no survivors...And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth...But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing... "”

-Ellen DeGeneres

Die, faezah. DIE.

you're supposed to be doing schoolwork,

not blogging, tweeting or watching tv.

S C H O O L W O R K, DAMMIT.